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WOW! PEOPLE REALLY READ US!

2010-12-06T13:47:00.000-08:00

I just checked the email account associated with the blog and was amazed to see comments that we have gotten recently from readers wanting updates. I apologize for the MONTHS that have gone by without postings!

Where to start? It has been a hell of a year. I have dealt with more than my share of crap. However, it is December, and I am BLESSED. My divorce was final in August. I got a great new job in March and I LOVE IT. My children are happy and healthy. AND...

Steven and I are still together.

Don't get me wrong, I won't sugar coat it. We have had a ROUGH time. Taking my marital status from married to single while his has remained married has just about wrecked us. However, he is working on his end of it, and one of these days y'all are going to see a post that I have been DYING to write for months and months...one about how we are finally US.

My life changed the day I met Steven, and we belong together. We are so fucking stubborn and terrible to each other sometimes. I look at him and feel a love like no other. I crave him. I need him. We need each other. It is complicated...our love and our fighting is best explained like a line in an Eminem song..."That's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano".

I believe that all things happen when they are supposed to. And it is exciting to be on the verge of something so BIG. It is scary too. I wonder things...like will his kids like me? Will my kids and his kids like each other? Are we trying to do the impossible? And then I stop. NOTHING is IMPOSSIBLE. When my skin touches his skin, my mouth tastes his mouth, my eyes look into his...I know. I just know. I am going to look back at this post next Christmas and be amazed at what we will do in 2011.

THANK YOU for reading us, for thinking of us, for following our story. We still have hot amazing sex. We have become quite tame lately...spending lots of time at my house, enjoying intimate dinners out, craving each other instead of an audience. We go through phases...and right now we are kind of in a survival phase. We are surviving. We need to nurture US more than anything. I know we will do crazy things again...we will most certainly have sex for an audience again...we will probably enjoy watching people at the swinger's club again...we are sure to come up with some naughty new adventures too.

We wish you all a Merry Christmas and Happy 2011...stay tuned...there is more of us yet to come!

Missy

I LOVE HIM...

2010-04-05T18:19:00.000-07:00

I have never loved a man like I love Steven. Ever.

I didn't know it could be like this.

I look at him, and see him as flawless. Whether he is sleeping, talking, puking, yelling, whispering, or kissing me...he is always flawless.

I feel complete with him. And incomplete without him.

He never bores me. I want to eat the words that come out of his mouth. I hang on...listening, intrigued.

His smell is intoxicating. His taste addictive. His feel calming, yet arousing.

I never thought that I could open up to someone the way I have him. I have given it all to him, piece by piece, and don't regret any of it.

I believe that things happen for a reason. We are too different, too unlikely to have met in a normal way. We were brought together on that cold, wet Saturday last February. He needed me. I needed him. And we were brought together.

All good things in life have obstacles. All good things have challenges. We are definitely victims of both.

A love like ours is a once in a lifetime experience.

IT IS ALWAYS SO GOOD...

2010-03-14T21:15:00.000-07:00

...and it is never the same.

Sometimes it is fucking. Sometimes it is making love. Sometimes it is sex.

And it is always so good.

We kiss. We lick. We grab. We taste. We move. We communicate. We adjust our bodies almost as if we have choreographed it, but we haven't. I used to think there were only a few positions to have sex in. There are dozens. A little lift here, a stretch there, a turn this way...sometimes the slightest, most random moves can end up being really great positions.

He tells me what to do. Sometimes I get bossy myself. He tells me to suck his cock...instead I climb on it and ride it for a few, and THEN suck on it...tasting US inside my mouth.

He knows when to grab my hair. He knows when to be rough. When to be soft. When I need more kisses. When I need more ass slapping.

Sometimes he tells me to cum. Sometimes I tell him to cum. Sometimes we do it in unison. Sometimes we don't.

I know that he likes to see what we are doing in the mirror. He knows that if his head is between my legs and I want his tongue higher or lower that I will gently touch his face and move it to where it feels like perfection.

He knows that if I start crying during sex, that it is not a bad thing. It is simply an overwhelming feeling of intense emotions that I can't contain. He knows that if I am mid orgasm and tell him that I hate him, that I really mean I AM UNABLE TO COMPREHEND HOW GOOD HE MAKES ME FEEL AND WHERE WAS HE A DECADE AGO?

I like being his good girl. His bad girl. His dirty girl. His freaky girl. HIS girl.

Sometimes I smother him with affection and it is too much for him. Sometimes he sticks his finger in my belly button and it pisses me off.

We love each other with such depth. Such intensity. We breathe each other in as if the other is a drug and we need another hit.

Waking up next to him, feeling his skin, smelling his hair, kissing his sleepy mouth...it reminds me how blessed I am. I have a best friend that I can share anything with. He gets my sense of humor, my sexual needs, and all that is me more than anyone in the world.

I love him. So. Damn. Much.

BAGGAGE

2010-03-03T19:46:00.000-08:00

Steven said something interesting as we ended our conversation tonight that I have been dwelling on.

He mentioned that we need to remember the baggage that is coming with each other. He was referring to something that happened between us, and the realization that my reaction had more to do with previous issues than HIM.

I guess baggage is unavoidable. It is everywhere. We both brought baggage into our relationship, and together we create baggage. Some good, some awful. Yet, all are pieces to what makes us who we are.

I have felt a general sense of loss these past few months, and I feel that I am beginning to dig my way out of a scary place. I got a job, one that I think I will enjoy doing. The pay is less than I would have liked, but the benefits and schedule make up for that and then some. I will have a great schedule that works well with my kids, Steven, and all other aspects of my life. I feel so blessed that this has happened. I feel good about the progress of my divorce. I feel like things are getting on track in most aspects of my life.

I am DEATHLY afraid of losing Steven. We have overcome so much to get to this point. To be SO CLOSE to our relationship being REAL is scary, because I want it so bad it hurts. I have taken to sleeping with an article of his clothing when he isn't with me...finding comfort where I can...breathing in his smell and reminding myself that each night is one night closer to us being together for real.

How can one person make me so happy, so excited, so in love, so sad, so hurt, so confused, so vulnerable? How can one person make me feel so pretty, so cared for, so special? How can one person make me laugh so hard, smile so big? How can one person make me feel such pleasure, cum so many times, scream so loud during sex? How can someone make me lose such control of my mind, my heart, and my body?

I love him. So damn much. I will gladly carry his baggage, and I know he will gladly carry mine.

Right now, that means the world to me. It always will.

T.M.I. TUESDAY - 7 DEADLY SINS

2010-02-08T22:06:00.000-08:00

1. LUST: Besides your current Significant Other who do you lust for or have you lusted for? Absolutely NO ONE. Lusting after him is a FULL TIME JOB and I am NOT kidding.

2. GLUTTONY: What food brings out your inner glutton? Carbs...bread, crackers.

3. GREED: What are you greedy for? Too many things right now. I hate greediness, and right now I want more Steven, more money, and more security. I find comfort in the fact that I am a giving person, and these needs are circumstantial.

4. SLOTH: What is your plan for an ideal day of sloth? Cozies (my word for PJs), lots of pillows, lots of sleep, and a certain cutie right next to me.

5. WRATH: Describe a time that you let out a can of whoop ass on someone. Physically? Never. Verbally? Too many to list.

6. ENVY: Who or what do you envy? Why? Right now I envy people that have their shit together. I have a friend that has always been worse off than me, and today it occurred to me that she really has it all together from every aspect, and, well, I don't. I envy people with careers they love, financial stability, and the love of their life under the same roof as them.

7. PRIDE: Have you ever had to swallow your pride? What are you proud of? For the first time in 15 years I don't have a job. That is pride swallowing right there. To know that you are totally dependent on everything but yourself SUCKS. What am I proud of? Myself as a mother. I have great kids. I like who I am as a mom. I like how being a mom feels. My kids bring me joy that is unlike anything else.

ONE YEAR

2010-02-07T15:58:00.000-08:00

A year ago today, on February 7, 2009, I found my Steven. I randomly posted an ad on Craigslist looking for SOMETHING. I wasn't even sure WHAT in the hell I was doing or looking for, I just knew that whatever it was did not exist within my own four walls.

I found it. Him.

I have spent much of this week reflecting on us, our relationship, and how we got here. I decided to make him a hard bound book that had memories, thoughts, things I love, and other randomness in it. I threw some pictures and old emails in it too. It was probably a 6 hour project start to finish, and I almost did it for myself as much as I did it for him. It slowed me down, and really made me think about this past year. It also confirmed that I am headed in the right direction with Steven. The thoughts and memories flowed freely while I worked on the book and it occurred to me that it would be impossible to do something like this based on my 12 year marriage. What does THAT tell you? I read through my work several times, and it was at times quite emotional for me. In a good way. The intensity in which I love Steven can be overwhelming, and something as stupid as thinking over our first meeting could bring me to tears. Good ones.

Fittingly and ironically, I filed for divorce this week. It was liberating. I thought back to where I was, where my head was, and where my heart was a year ago and the only thing that has made this final year of marriage somewhat manageable was Steven. It also felt RIGHT. Nothing about it was BECAUSE OF STEVEN. All of it was BECAUSE OF ME. I feel like my relationship with Steven has made me value my own happiness so much more, and he has been an immense source of love and support. However, he hasn't wrecked a home. If he ended this relationship today my divorce would still happen. And that feels right.

Last night we celebrated by staying the night at the hotel that we first got together at. We had an amazing dinner in our room, drank a bunch of margaritas, watched a movie, and genuinely enjoyed being together. It was quite perfect. Oh, and yes, there was hot sex too!

I am SO EXCITED about my future! I mean, REALLY! Where will I get a job? What will happen when Steven leaves his wife? How amazing will it be when we are both free to just be US? It is all SO EXCITING! Of course, it is nerve wracking, and of course, being "single" while he is still very "married" is trying. Of course job hunting and divorcing are hard things. However, it is the home stretch for US as a couple involved in an affair. We are SO CLOSE to being something so much more that I can taste it. I can SEE IT too. Now that my husband is out of the picture, Steven can come over. Stay the night. Hang out. And that is so much more "real life" than a hotel room. And I love how REAL LIFE looks and feels!

I am so thankful. One year ago, my life changed forever. A beautiful, strong, smart, hilarious man entered my life. Someone that has depth. Someone that is my best friend. Someone that has a light that you can't miss, yet a darkness that I relate to. Someone that has loved me more than I knew possible.

I'm crazy about you Steven. Happy Anniversary!

T.M.I. TUESDAY

2010-01-19T21:41:00.000-08:00

1. Ideal amount of sex per week?

At least 4 times. I think daily would be ideal though.

2. Ever had an online affair?

Exclusively? No. Started one online? Yep.

3. Are you a member of the mile high club?

Nope. Wouldn't mind being one though. After flying across the world, I can see that it would be tempting on one of those 9+ hour flights...

4. Are you prejudiced against any particular group of people?

Only those that are prejudiced against others.

5. What constitutes bad sex?

Selfish sex. Sex with someone that you can't relax and be yourself with. Sex that leaves you hanging and not satisfied in some way, shape, or form. The end result doesn't have to be fireworks, but you should feel good about it. You should feel good about how your partner feels.

2010 - A YEAR OF CHANGE

2010-01-13T21:36:00.000-08:00

First things first. We are just fine. If you happened to read a dramatic and horrid post by me recently, and now it is deleted, know this: I wrote it in a state of anger and pain. I wrote it with raw emotion. And I wrote things that I shouldn't have. I wasn't telling it like it was. I am leaving it at that. I WAS WRONG.

Steven and I are great. Really great. This is going to be a big year for us. Massive changes are happening on my side...my husband moved out. My place of work abruptly closed down on New Year's Eve. I am exploring this foreign world of unemployment and single parenting. So far so good. I am tough. I haven't let myself throw a pity party for more than a few seconds, and I am pretty proud of that. I am being proactive with my life now. I feel a sense of freedom that I haven't felt in years. I feel like I am being the best mom I could possibly be. And I know that while things won't be easy, that I am headed in the right direction.

I also know that Steven and I are headed in the right direction. This period of time where he is still in his existing relationship and I have this new found freedom is sure to test us. HOWEVER, I can do this. We can do this.

If last night was a glimpse into what life with him would be like, I am not letting him go for anything. It was my first night at home, without kids. They were with their dad. And Steven came over to spend the night. We had the nicest evening together, enjoying "playing house" and not being in a hotel room. We went to dinner, had drinks together at home, watched TV (don't worry...he paused Biggest Loser to give me a real good fucking on the family room floor), and had a glorious night of sleep (and more sex) together.

It felt RIGHT. I could see it. See us. Now, I am not stupid...I realize that between the two of us there are a fuck load of kids. And I realize with a fuck load of kids that may or may not be around that having sex on the family room floor during Biggest Loser is probably not as likely. HOWEVER, it wasn't *that* aspect of it. It was the being real, doing real things, in a real environment that felt so right. So perfect.

I feel like we have turned a corner. December was fucking rough. I could not have had another hardship happen or it would have done me in. I am STILL wading through some hard stuff. However, the constant has been Steven. Yes, we fight and fight ugly. We are passionate, and sometimes in a bad way. Yet, he is there. He is always there. The day I found out that my workplace was closing, I called him crying. He was there in minutes holding me. That night he laid with me while I processed the whole thing and what it meant. He let me cry, be angry, and work through it. It was snowing that night, and amongst the dark cloud that I felt I was under, his warm lips amongst snowflakes by "our lake" made it all manageable.

We have been through more this past year than many people experience in years of marriage. Some of it has been beautiful. Some ugly. Some scary. Some exciting. All of it new.

This WILL be an amazing year. I can't WAIT to see where it leads us. I have SO MUCH that I am looking forward to. I am learning that I can't be a control freak all of the time. I have no idea where I will end up as far as a job goes. I have no idea what my living situation will be. I have no idea how the process of slowly merging our lives together will work. I have no idea how getting divorced will work. There are SO MANY UNKNOWNS!

And yet, I am relatively relaxed. Sometimes losing big things is what it takes to realize what is important. My kids. My health. My faith. My family. My friends.

My Steven.

H.N.T. - NIPPLE CLAMPS

2009-12-17T04:00:00.000-08:00

Steven left his tie in my purse...so of course I had some fun with it...and I decided to model the nipple clamps at the same time. That tie did some naughty things, and went some naughty places, and then I returned it to Steven!

DEEP THOUGHTS ON SWINGING

2009-12-15T06:00:00.000-08:00

So, the weekend before last we went to the Swinger's Club. And we saw the most action, up close and personal that we have seen there to date.

We have toyed with all kinds of scenarios, from threesomes to same room sex. I think that we have concluded that full blown swinging is not our thing. We are both too possessive, too needy, too damaged by our spouses to invite the potential issues into our relationship that swinging can bring. We have no desire to see each other with other people.

The idea of another woman has been toyed with, I think that with the right person and under the right circumstances that this could work. It would take a lot of prep work though, rules, expectations, goals, etc. It certainly could not be something taken lightly by either of us.

Same room sex is something that I think we could and would do in a heartbeat if the other couple seemed like a good fit and all were in agreement on the situation. We both like the idea of watching and being watched, and this seems like something that we would both find really hot.

So, when we were at the Swinger's club, there were a few different scenarios happening, and we were right in the middle of them. Fully clothed, non-participating, spectators. I liked watching female on female oral. I liked close up penetration views. I liked watching blow jobs. I liked watching boobs being played with by men or women.

I liked being around people that are so comfortable in their own skin. Seeing different bodies and appreciating them all.

I liked the sexually charged vibe that was around us.

And I liked that for us, it was foreplay. It was a great way for us to get REALLY turned on, and then devour each other.

However, what I liked the absolute MOST, now that I have had a week to think about it, was how I feel when I am in an environment like that with Steven.

I feel VERY safe. Safer than I have ever felt with anyone before.

The way his hands are always on me, whether around my waist, holding my hand, touching my arm. Feeling his presence puts me at ease. I appreciate the fact that he confidently can interact with people, and I have no fears of him getting us into a situation that I wouldn't want. I love that he knows what is okay, and what isn't, and we respect each other completely. I love that I feel taken care of, adored, and that it is always a JOINT experience.

Some of the women were there with men that were obviously really just into everything BUT their woman. I like that Steven and I can look at other people, appreciate the situation TOGETHER, but he isn't getting his kicks from THEM, we are getting them TOGETHER.

We are 10 months into this relationship. I don't think we will ever become sexually bored or in a rut. We are just such highly sexual people! And I love that we talk about ideas and scenarios and fantasies, and that they change. What I would have done 6 months ago is different today. I am *almost* certain that full fledged swinging won't become a part of US. However, I think that there are things we have talked about and haven't done, things we haven't discovered, and adventures to be had! The bottom line is that whatever we do, we do as a team, and we do it because we BOTH have something to gain from it.

I am growing into my own authentic sexual self, and that is fun. It is fun to have such a perfect match as a partner that is helping me to do this!

HIS TONGUE + MY PUSSY = WOW!

2009-12-13T23:57:00.000-08:00

Don't you hate it when people say that something is the best/nicest/greatest whatever that you have ever done/seen/etc. and you know that they are just "saying it?"

Yeah, well I do.

So I am going to say something THAT IS NOT A LIE. THAT IS NOT TO FEED SOMEBODIES EGO. THAT IS NOT BEING SAID FOR THE HELL OF IT.

Steven gave me THE BEST ORAL I have EVER EVER EVER had this morning.

No lie.

Oral sex is tricky. It is very personal. Very intimate. Very submissive. When you are having regular sex, you can control quite a bit. I can move my hips, change positions or angles, adjust my body so that he is hitting just the right spot. I can have rapid fire orgasms, or I can play a mind game and hold out. The same goes for GIVING oral...guys like it (and need it) differently. Some guys get off at the thought of a blow job, others make you work a little harder for that glorious warm, wet finale.

Oral is different for me than many women. I like the fullness that a cock gives me. Mouths and/or fingers can take a bit more to get me off. HOWEVER, some of the most amazing orgasms come from oral. They are different, and oh-so-good. And sometimes, JUST WHAT I WANT.

That being said, Steven has always been good down there. Sometimes when he heads south I am just not wanting it, and I say so. Just the other day he was joking that I didn't want him messing around with any oral, that I just wanted his cock, and wanted it THEN AND NOW.

So, last night we have a glorious night out. We start with hungry, needy sex, where I lost count of the orgasms, and it was just crazy good. We went to dinner, had drinks, got my van stuck in mud while trying to spin around on ice, and then retreated to our hotel room again. More hot sex followed...we watched some porn (which was very, very, very hot...), and had a great night of sleep together.

This morning, we ordered room service, and while waiting for it to come we were playing around. Steven was licking and sucking on my nipples, and all of a sudden I HAD TO HAVE HIS MOUTH ON MY PUSSY. So I asked for it.

And let me tell you, it was magic. It was amazing. The man has mad skills. I have known this from the beginning, but he has PERFECTED the art of ORAL ON MISSY. Holy shit, within a couple of minutes I had a mind blowing orgasm.

And to have it followed up by breakfast in bed and feeling totally pampered and loved and adored by the love of my life? Exquisite. I am still laughing at his possessive tone that he took when the room service arrived and he told me to cover my boobs before opening the door.

So...it was a wonderful time together. However, I fucked up. It isn't easy for me to readily admit it, but I did. I chose to act like a brat at the end of our time together this morning. I chose to get upset over something stupid. He needed to call his wife and check in, and I got pissy. NOT COOL.

I love to lose myself in the fake world where spouses don't exist, and we are each other's one and only.

And then when the cold water hits my face and I remember that right now, right this second, today, that this is NOT my reality, sometimes I can't fake it. It bugs me. I hate it.

So, I acted like a brat. And it wasn't cool. I apologized later, and I am truly sorry. However, it sucks. It sucks to not be IT. It sucks to not be the ONLY ONE.

I have decided that I need to stop viewing it as threatening. I need to have the mindset that our spouses are just TECHNICALITIES. That they are a piece of the puzzle, and that is the reality. And married or not, we share kids with them, and divorce won't make them disappear. So I had better get used to that.

And you know what? He was WITH ME. I mean, really. What a brat I was being. He wasn't pouring her coffee, kissing her boobs, licking her pussy, enjoying her company. He was doing that with ME. Every day he chooses to spend time on ME. Talking, texting, being together. He gives ME that time. He finds ways to be away from home to be with ME. He loves ME. It is with ME that he wants a future.

So, after having these deep thoughts, I have vowed to myself to be more courteous about this. To appreciate the time I get more than I already do. To recognize the great gift that our time together is. And to remember that he gives ME sooooo much, and even when it feels like not enough, that it has to be enough for now.

When Steven and I said our goodnights via texting tonight, he sent me this:

"I loved being out with you last night. Being together just makes me feel fantastic. We are meant to be together. For sure."

My thoughts EXACTLY.

WE ARE STILL HERE!

2009-12-11T21:50:00.001-08:00

I apologize for the lack of posts the past few weeks. Several things have been taking my time...a few health issues, work, life.

I am happy to report that all is well with us...Steven and I are spending the night together tomorrow night (YAY!!) and we have had a couple of other overnight visits in the past week. I am eternally grateful that he is able to make this work. Right now, more than ever, I need HIM and US.

Going through the motions of the holidays has been draining. There is this cloud looming over every tradition that my husband and I do with our kids that is screaming "THE LAST TIME!" and it is hard to ignore it. However, I am appreciative for this time to create those memories, to continue what we have always done as a family, and to know that I will continue to do special things with my kids, as will my husband. Traditions don't have to go away, they can just look a little different, and that is good too.

Steven has made some great progress within his marriage, and working towards major changes as well. We have such different situations, but the bottom line is that we both need to be happy, and we are in marriages that aren't providing that happiness. The great thing is, that even though it is HARD, our spouses essentially feel the same, and it isn't some horrid shock to anyone.

I have a job that gets intense this time of year...10 months out of the year I can pretty much be very part time and work when I please. November and December are a different story, and the next two weeks might possibly kill me! No, really, I love it, but it is physically and mentally taxing right now.

So...that is the majority of it...I will get back to posting more soon. I have stories...just because life is busy doesn't mean we aren't still up to no good...Swinger's Club, we bought nipple clamps that we haven't played with yet, an interesting visit to the Porn Theater, and the fact that I am really liking being on top when we have sex lately...

OH! And hopefully I will have an HNT up next week!

Take care!

Missy

I'M THINKING ABOUT...

2009-11-20T23:16:00.000-08:00

SEXUAL THOUGHTS:

Nipple clamps...we might go check some out at the adult store tomorrow.

Watching people having sex.

People watching US.

Giving a long, take-your-time blow job.

NON-SEXUAL THOUGHTS:

I have recently reconnected with an old friend on Facebook. I saw her a couple of years ago at my high school reunion, and in a nutshell, she has had a rough life. Her mom died when she was a kid, her dad is an ass, she had a baby young with a criminal, had another baby a few years later, married him, and he died a few years ago in a car wreck. Tragic. We have woven in and out of each other's lives, but I think of her often.

The point?

She recently remarried. And had pictures on her Facebook. And while the love that she shares with her new husband is clear, what made me warm-fuzzy-hopeful-smiley was the KIDS. I know that two are hers for sure. The other kids are his, maybe one is shared? Not sure. BUT THERE WERE ALL OF THESE KIDS AND THESE HAPPY PARENTS and I loved it. Positively loved it. Lots. Of. Kids.

My second non-sexual thought of the day is that volatile relationships can work. There are times that I think that Steven and I are so fucked up with each other that I could just run away and never look back. And today, today I thought about a couple that is near and dear to me, and they have been for over half of my life. And while fighting isn't good, good couples fight. And when I was in high school, I used to babysit for them. And one afternoon after a particulary heated conversation between them over something lame, the wife and I got in the car with the baby and she tore off down the driveway in her SUV and took out every single light that lined their driveway as we drove off. I remember snickering, being amused. Within minutes she was on her cell phone with her husband, and after a little more bickering all was well and we were buying him a Blizzard at Dairy Queen and heading home. They just celebrated their 20 year wedding anniversary and are one of the most amazing couples ever.

The point?

I would drive over a bunch of lights lining a driveway out of frustration with Steven. However, I would be right back with a Blizzard as well.

I know he feels the same way.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

2009-11-16T14:54:00.000-08:00

I am laying in our cozy hotel bed, aware that Steven is in and out of sleep. I am too. His hand was resting between my legs, and I reached down and felt how wet I was, and couldn't stop touching.

I kept my eyes closed, and wasn't really sure when he was awake and when he was asleep. I started slowly, fingering myself, using different motions and speeds on my clit. I would occasionally let my fingers graze his hand which was still resting down there...wiping my juices on his fingers. It felt sooooo good, I just kept going and going, using my other hand to tweak my nipples...and keeping my eyes closed the whole time.

Something about this felt surreal...I loved knowing that he was there, maybe watching, maybe not. It was fantasy like.

He finally made his presence known by bringing his mouth to my nipples and I was tormenting myself by holding back from cumming. I threw the blankets back so he could get the full view of my dripping pussy and wet fingers working their magic. I got to that point where I shoved a couple of fingers inside of myself and thrust them in and out. Steven realized that I could benefit from his cock inside of me, and gladly let me have it. His throbbing cock filled me up, but I didn't want him moving. I wanted to keep this eyes-closed-I-am-masturbating-and-he-is-watching thing going.

I let my orgasm build and build and build, really not aware of what Steven was doing. Sometimes he was sitting there with his cock inside of me, sometimes he was watching and stroking himself.

When I couldn't take another second, I allowed myself to cum, and I exploded with such force that my pussy pushed his cock out as I let out a scream.

This was only one small part of a wonderful weekend together. My birthday was last week, and I can honestly say that Steven gave me the BEST BIRTHDAY I have EVER HAD. He took a vacation day, booked a nice room for two nights, and spoiled me with gifts, sex, great meals, and amazing quality time together. It was blissful!

Saturday night we had been drinking and then decided to scope out the Swinger's Club. And I can't stop thinking about it...we weren't there that long, but the highlight for me was LISTENING to this couple having great sex. It made me SO HOT! My pussy was literally DRIPPING and I had to have Steven right then and there, and you had better believe that I got competitive with my vocal skills. FUCK it was so hot hearing them...I told Steven that we need to work on some sort of same room thing with another couple...I don't want to do anything with other people but I want to HEAR them and SEE them and completely lose myself in observing other people having sex.

So...it was a great time. He is amazing. I have never had a guy that puts so much thought into everything...down to the details...like wrapping a gift in my favorite color for example. We seriously spent all day yesterday in our hotel room, except for going to eat around lunch time. It was glorious...being in a bed, watching tv, napping, having sex. JUST WHAT I NEEDED. It had been a rough week last week (hence the lack of postings on here)...I had minor surgery, limited Steven time, and just too much going on. To have that quiet, intimate day together after having a wild, crazy, sexy night out was amazing.

Best of all, for the first time in my life I feel like I am being my authentic self with someone. There are no secrets. Nothing to hide. I give him all of it, and he gives me it all back. And to have that feels amazing! To be able to say what I want and need and think about, and have no qualms in doing so is liberating.

And there is nothing like a sexually charged few days to make me want more...I can't stop thinking about that couple and hearing them. It was so hot to me to do that masturbation thing with Steven next to me. My mind is racing...ohhhh the possibilities...

Did I mention that this was the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER? It was.

MAN MEAT

2009-11-06T17:23:00.000-08:00

Is there anything more amazing than a hard, smooth cock? Maybe I am horny. Maybe I am really missing Steven. Maybe both.

I can't stop thinking about his cock. Last time we were together, I had wanted to give him a blow job to completion. Not sure what happened (okay, I know what happened...we fucked...) but I didn't get to.

I just found myself cleaning my kitchen and daydreaming about it. Thinking about how he feels in my mouth. Thinking about swallowing his cum. Thinking about how much I love sucking on him. Breathing him in. Savoring him.

Penis. Cock. Dick. MAN MEAT. Call it what you want.

I want it. In my mouth. Soon.

Back to cleaning the kitchen...

H.N.T.

2009-11-05T05:10:00.000-08:00

I love the fact that a thong can just be pushed aside...no removal required.

NEEDS

2009-11-04T07:12:00.000-08:00

I love when sex feels so completely amazing that you can't hold still. Last night I could not hold still. Steven's hard cock was filling me up, and I was squirming here, there, and everywhere. I wanted to keep feeling, keep cumming, keep enjoying. I was moving this way, then that way, then making sure every inch was deep inside of me. I wanted to touch him everywhere, and be touched everywhere. I wanted to feel submissive, yet in control. I wanted it soft and sweet, yet rough and demanding. I COULD NOT HOLD STILL. And when he came, it was equally as satisfying to me as all of my orgasms combined.

Sometimes you don't know what you need until after you get it.

Here is what I needed last night:

- A trip to Target with Steven. We split up so we weren't seen together...it was in a risky place. However...I love Target and I love Steven. Great combo.

- Dinner at Red Lobster. Again high risk. And oh-so yummy. And my margarita was amazing.

- Cuddling in our hotel room while watching Biggest Loser. MY FAVORITE SHOW!!

- I needed to cry. I thought that I couldn't cry anymore. Telling my kids that my husband and I are separating was THE WORST thing I have EVER done as a mom. HORRIBLE. I will never, ever be able to erase the image of my oldest child's face as he absorbed the news. And so when I was laying with Steven, rubbing his back, breathing him in, I lost it. Completely lost it. Sobbing in his arms. And he held me, and talked quietly, and let me find comfort in his words and touch.

- I needed wiggly, good sex.

- I needed to have him sing to me and stroke my hair so that I would relax enough to sleep.

- I needed to sleep (even though it was restless) next to him.

- I needed to wake up next to him...actually, with his cock telling me it was time to get up...

Mmmmmm. What a GREAT night....

HALLMARK, WHERE IS THE LINE OF CARDS FOR PEOPLE HAVING AFFAIRS?

2009-10-30T16:27:00.000-07:00

There will never be the right words to tell Steven how I feel about him.

I will never find a Hallmark card that says what I am feeling. I have looked. There isn't a SO GLAD WE ARE HAVING THIS AFFAIR line of cards. Yet. There should be.

He has changed my life. For the better. He has taught me to push my ability to love to the fullest. I am learning to be a more forgiving person. He has taught me the joy of enjoying a meal with someone that you love. I have learned to make mmmmmmmmmmmm noises when food is good.

I have become very comfortable with my body. I appreciate my curves more than I ever have. How can I not when he is so crazy about them?

I have been pushed sexually past any limits I thought were possible. I have done things I never in a million years thought that I would do. And I liked them. I am BRAVE. SO BRAVE. I have learned to relish all that is sexual and sensual.

I have never liked kissing someone as much as I like kissing Steven.

I have never fought with someone the way I can with Steven.

My relationship with him has made me laugh harder, cry more, think bigger, and love more than I thought possible.

We have done so much together in our almost 9 months together. There is so much I still want to do with him. Sometimes when I can't sleep, I imagine us doing various things...big things like trips and small things like shopping.

It is almost hard for me to remember my life before him. And now when I look back at pictures of me before him, the unhappiness is so obvious that it hurts.

He is an amazing man. I admire him so much. I love hearing about him with his kids. I love seeing him with his youngest child. They stopped in to see me at work today and my heart melted watching him being a daddy.

I admire him professionally. He is driven. Hard working. His work voice turns me on (as long as it isn't directed at me!) and I want to know the ins and outs of his job.

I admire him spiritually. He knows a ton. He has pushed me to learn...more about my own beliefs, learn about his beliefs, to question things, to take responsibility for my own knowledge.

I admire him sexually. He is adventurous. He is BRAVE. He is confident. Sexy. Giving. Loving.

Steven is the best thing that has ever happened to me. There are times that I want to hit him. There are times that we fight so bad I could just write him off forever. There are times that we say horrible things to each other. However, when I look at the big picture, I need him.

I need this. I need this relationship more than anything. And sometimes I take it for granted. Sometimes I don't appreciate him, or this relationship like I should. There are times that I don't do or say the right things.

I need to do this right. I need to do whatever I can to make this work. I need to work harder, smarter, faster, and sweeter at this relationship than I have ever worked at anything.

And so I will. I will do this. I will. I can. I can do anything I put my mind to.

And then when I have done that, I will work on talking to HALLMARK about the line of cards for people, and situations, like this. WHEN YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR AFFAIR...now available at Hallmark. I can just see it now!

H.N.T. - PIGTAILS

2009-10-29T05:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes there is something so naughty, yet so NICE about PIGTAILS. TRICK OR TREAT!

FUCK ME SILLY

2009-10-28T14:15:00.000-07:00

Sometimes getting completely lost in sex is the most amazing feeling ever.

To lose all awareness of everything...time, your surroundings, everything.

I did this last night.

And I REALLY NEEDED IT.

Round 1 was great, intense sex. Kisses, eye contact, oral...me getting a little emotional, and Steven whispering to just relax and let us do what we do best. Love each other. A little bit of everything, including some anal with Steven on top. This is really a pretty sweet position...you get the intimacy of being face to face while getting the naughtiness of anal. That is nice right there! Climax after climax...mmmmm...it was good. Some snuggle time afterwards was amazing too.

Round 2 was great, intense sex. YET, it was different.

At one point, Steven's cock was thrusting in and out of my mouth. His warm lips were teasing my nipples. I was working my friend, MR. HOT PINK VIBRATOR, around my clit, and occasionally sliding it in and out of me. MOST of my arousal was coming from is cock in my mouth. He would occasionally take it out, stroke it himself, and watching that right by my face was pretty hot. I flirted with mini-orgasms...not wanting to stop...letting the intensity grow...Steven was enjoying watching me play with MR. HOT PINK VIBRATOR...it was almost too much going on at once.

When he climbed on top of me and slid himself inside me (have I mentioned that feeling our bodies connected feels like I am just where I belong?) I continued to let MR. HOT PINK VIBRATOR buzz around my clit. Steven pounded and pounded, I looked at him, kissed him, touched his face. I knew he was close, and I was on the verge of something crazy. The knowledge that he was close to cumming was just what I needed...within seconds of each other we both explode orgasmically...and whatever the fuck noises I made cracked Steven up. It was seriously a crazy intense, long lasting, mind blowing orgasm. I felt what control I had of my body leave me, and I did a laugh/moan/scream/almost crying thing. I know I laughed...have you ever felt SO GOOD that laughing is all that you can do? It was like that. I was FUCKED SILLY.

My "real" life is in transition right now. My husband is going to slowly start to transition out of our house. I have talked to a lawyer. We need to talk to our children next week. My husband and I are on the same page...we know that we are doing what we need to do. What is best for both of us. There is no ugliness. No fighting. However, it is a lot for me to wrap my mind around. I am happy, sad, excited, scared. I am EXHAUSTED. I don't know when I have had a great night of sleep last. I am worried that Steven and I won't survive this transition I am going through. I am worried that when his time comes, when he is ready to dissolve his marriage, that I won't be what he needs. That I won't be a good support. There is SO MUCH on my mind.

And you know what? What I can't stop thinking about is HOW STRONG I AM. I can do this. My kids will be fine. They have two parents that love them, and will always take care of them. They will be fine. And I will too. I am also thinking that I am ONE STEP closer to where I belong...

This is a journey. A day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute journey. It isn't always pretty. It isn't always easy. It is exhausting. But, if I can lose myself for a few moments and embrace the true love that is between Steven and myself, I am okay. In that moment, I am okay.

I think great sex is like therapy. At least for me.

H.N.T. - BOOBIES

2009-10-22T12:22:00.000-07:00

Even though the quality isn't great in this picture it turns me on. I love his mouth and hands on my boobies!

I WANT TO SWALLOW

2009-10-19T15:23:00.000-07:00

The sun is setting.

We meet under a bridge in my small town...well aware of the risks. Cars drive by, the water ripples, I am very aware of my surroundings. I know that I am a mile down the road from my husband's grandpa, aunt and uncle. I know that being seen with another man in a compromising position could be hugely problematic.

We are kissing hungrily, our lips working through the drama of another day in the life of two adults that are madly in love with each other, while legally bound to other people.

I want him. I want to feel his cock shoved into me with force. I want to touch him all over. I want to be naked.

We flirt with the idea of getting in the back of my van and making it happen. I chicken out. Steven supports this, agreeing that a cop finding us fucking in my minivan would be BAD.

Our mouths continue to devour each other. Tongues exploring. Tiny nibbles.

Steven pulls his hard, throbbing cock out of his pants. His back is to the road. We continue to kiss while he begins stroking himself. His other hand begins fingering my wet pussy. I could almost cum, but won't let myself become unaware enough to do so.

Kissing him and touching his face, I tell him that I want to swallow. He nods in agreement.

His hand continues stroking with increasing speed. I breath him in. Taste his mouth. I am completely aroused knowing that he is feeling good.

He tells me when, and I squat down and catch his warm juices in my mouth. Swallow. Swallow again. Breathe....oops...a little on the arm of my jacket. Lick it off.

More kisses, long hugs, and it is time to part company.

Sometimes we have hours. Sometimes we have minutes. And sometimes those hours and minutes are too far apart.

And SOMETIMES those minutes are high risk. And intense. And OH SO TASTY!

H.N.T. - HOLDING ON

2009-10-15T06:00:00.000-07:00

I know that when everything around me feels chaotic, when I can't seem to wrap my mind around what is going on in my life, and when NO ONE seems to understand my feelings, that there is someone that:

- Does understand my feelings.

- Loves me unconditionally.

- Can kiss it and make it better.

- WILL HOLD MY HAND THROUGH ANYTHING.

I love you Steven. Thank you for holding my hand for the past 8 months and 7 days. You are the best thing that could have happened to me, and I know that without a doubt we were meant to be. I promise to keep holding your hand...forever...

THE QUIET

2009-10-10T22:19:00.000-07:00

There is a line in the song SOBER by Pink that has been running through my head for the majority of today.

THE QUIET SCARES ME 'CAUSE IT SCREAMS THE TRUTH.

Too much has happened this week. I am in no position to blog about it right now. In a nutshell, in addition to what happened in my Monday post, my husband read a text message from Steven later that night. A text that said, GOODNIGHT I LOVE YOU MISSY, or something close to that.

Conversations have happened. Tears have been shed. It has been a hard week of being honest, being real, and accepting what our marriage has become. We are both at fault. I can't stress enough what a good person my husband is. What a wonderful father he is. He doesn't have a mean bone in his body. We simply don't make a good team in marriage.

My emotions have been all over the map. I am happy. Sad. Scared. Excited. Nervous. Confident. Calm. Tense. A fucking mess, in general.

This has been hard on Steven. He doesn't know what to make of it all. He is being thrown into the blender that has my life in it, spinning and spinning...

I have had too much quiet today. I needed it. Yet, I didn't. I took my kids and made them victims of therapeutic photography...the end result was great pictures of them with the beauty of fall in the background...and it allowed me to catch my breath. To not think. To simply relish the beauty of being outside in gorgeous weather, with my children that I could stare at for hours. Their eyes, their hands. The awkwardness of my pre-teen. The confidence of my 7 year old. One with baby teeth, one about to start orthodontia. One with intensity, one with a glint that scares me.

I need to get my head straight though. Once my kids were in bed this evening, I was alone. With my thoughts. My husband had made plans and wasn't home. I was sitting here, in a too quiet house, the kids asleep.

THE QUIET SCARES ME 'CAUSE IT SCREAMS THE TRUTH.

And I started to have a panic attack. A real, honest to goodness panic attack. I haven't had one like this in years. And I didn't know what to do. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't be calm. Sitting, crying, feeling helpless. It scared the shit out of me. And in that quiet, I had to get it together.

The logical thing would be to talk myself down. Think realistically. Try to be rational.

And you know what I did?

I turned on the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader tryouts and ate Teddy Grahams.

I felt my heart stop racing. My muscles relax. The tears stopped. And as I am watching these skinny cute girls compete to make the first round of cuts, I gathered my thoughts. Found my strength.

And when I had found it, all by myself, my cell phone went off. And what I read surprised me. It was one of my best friends. I had finally confessed my marital issues to her this week. It was hard, I got the reaction I had expected. She is a hard core TILL DEATH DO US PART kind of girl, and if she even had a clue that I was having an affair, well, that friendship would be over. I left her house the other day feeling relatively unsupported, feeling like she just didn't understand.

Yet...this text I got from her tonight said: THINKING ABOUT YOU. YOU CAN CALL ME ANYTIME. EVEN NOW IF YOU NEED TO. YOU HAVE BEEN ON MY MIND ALL DAY. I REALLY WANT TO BE HERE FOR YOU.

I texted back, asking if she was psychic because I had just had a "moment".

I needed to hear that from her. I need her to unconditionally love and support me, even if I am taking a path that she can't fathom. And while I am not sure that she will, I feel more confident about it. She is trying. She is stretching. Something made her grab her phone and send that to me at 10 PM tonight.

Sometimes we are so busy, so wrapped up in our lives, that we don't allow the quiet to ever be there. I am so guilty of that. There is never quiet. I am never alone with my thoughts. And because of that THE QUIET SCARES ME 'CAUSE IT SCREAMS THE TRUTH.

I am listening to the quiet. Trying to hear the truth. MY TRUTH. Trying to maintain my relationships with those that I love, while taking care of myself as well.

And I won't lie. It is fucking harder than anything. Case in point...I popped 3 Tylenol PM and wrote this. I am trying to escape right this very second. However, by writing, I am processing. I am thinking. I am sorting. I am finding calm in random things like cheerleaders and toddler snacks.

And waiting for clarity.

H.N.T. - BITE ME!

2009-10-08T06:00:00.000-07:00

I like a little biting. Some sucking. A hickey now and then. This week there was a T.M.I. Tuesday question (see post below) that made me think about this picture...it was after a particularly rowdy sexual encounter with Steven. The marks made me smile for days...each one reminding me of the pleasure that came with them.

T.M.I. TUESDAY

2009-10-06T19:20:00.000-07:00

1. What is your underwear "style" of choice? I like it all...and I mix it up. An average week will include boy shorts, thongs, maybe Victoria's Secret cotton briefs, lace cheek showers from Fredericks, and the occasional crotchless pair. I often ask Steven what he is in the mood for before we get together...I like the build up and find it hot to put on panties that he has requested.

2. How old were you when you had your first sexual experience? Wayyyyy too young. 13. He was my first real boyfriend. The first boy I really kissed. He was my first for most things sexual. We were so young, so in love. I could have sworn I would marry him. While I wish I would have waited until I was older, I have no regrets. All of my memories of him are pleasant, and I run into him or his mom once in awhile and am always happy to hear about his wife and kids.

3. What about a potential partner turns you on? I like lips. The mouth area in general. A nice smile. Someone that smells yummy. Tastes yummy. Someone that is smart. Funny. Strong. Adventurous. Someone that has depth.

4. Have you ever played a game which may require you or others to disrobe? I played strip poker when I was 18 and living on my own. My fiance (now husband) and two friends were there. One of the guys suggested it, and so it began. All I remember is that I was SHOCKED at the amount of pubic hair my friend Michele had. Really disturbed.

5. Given or received finger scratch marks during sexual activity? Both. And I love a little hickey or bruise now and then...sometimes I ask Steven for them. Nothing like small reminders of a great time in bed.

Bonus: How many times is the most you have ever had sex in a 24 hour period? I don't have a clue. I really don't.

IF ONLY LIFE HAD A REMOTE CONTROL

2009-10-05T20:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish that life came with a remote control.

I would like the option to hit pause, and enjoy my kids at certain ages and stages just a little longer. I would like to hit stop, and then rewind when I make a bad decision. I would like to hit stop when things are just too hard, and play again when I feel strong enough to do so. And I would like to hit play when things are going just perfect and I can continue along.

Right now I would love to hit fast forward.

My life is daunting to me at this moment. The past 5 days were glorious. My husband was out of town (this never happens), and I had a good taste of what being the only parent felt like. And I am beyond capable. I sell myself short. I don't need anyone.

Steven and I enjoyed the added time that was available, and spent a few hours on Thursday afternoon and Friday morning together at my house. The kids were at school, and we enjoyed just having mellow "real" time. Time that wasn't in a hotel room. Talking, looking at pictures, just hanging out. Don't get me wrong...you know that the opportunity was taken to have sex...bent over the bathroom counter, looking in the mirror that is in my headboard...good intense, efficient sex. What I refer to as GOOD FUCKING.

We had Saturday evening together as well...all night. Grandma took my kids, and he was able to finagle a work excuse to not go home. We had an evening that started with great lovemaking, followed by an amazing dinner, drinks, dancing, and just really enjoying each other. The night ended with singing and dancing in the rain by our lake, and then retreating to our hotel room for more great sex, and sleeping next to each other which is a real luxury. The night was so perfect that I am choosing to leave the description at this...sometimes things are too intimate, too special, and too US for words.

So, here we are. Monday night. And while I would love to rewind and have the past 5 days happen again, I would also like to hit fast forward. AN ENTIRE YEAR.

I took a huge leap today. HUGE. I spent the day with my parents, and finally had the courage to tell them about the state of my marriage. I was very honest. They weren't surprised...I have eluded to marital issues all year. However, this afternoon I told them everything. Of course I did not share anything about Steven (or any other affairs that I have had). I shared what have been my issues. It took a lot for me to say them out loud. To say I HAVE A HUSBAND THAT IS A HARD WORKER, A GREAT FATHER, BUT IS NOT MEETING MY NEEDS AS A HUSBAND. HE HAS A GAMBLING ADDICTION. HE HAS SEXUAL ISSUES THAT HE REFUSES TO SEE A DOCTOR FOR. I HAVE BEEN LONELY, REJECTED, AND UNHAPPY FOR AWHILE. The night before he went out of town last week I had been feeling under the weather and asked him to rub my back and lay with me so I could fall asleep. His response was that he couldn't play poker online and do that. This is just one example of ways that this marriage is not much of a marriage anymore.

My family has always adored my husband. I know that my siblings have thought of him as a sibling, and my parents have thought of him as a son. He has been in our lives since I was 16. They see him with our children, and admire what a wonderful father he is. They see him tirelessly work hard for our family. And I get this. He is a great guy. A nice guy. However, he isn't enough for me. He isn't what is best for me. We have had a broken marriage for years, and I am done with the acting. The fakeness. The acting. It is time to face the music and take care of me for once.

So, there I was. Sitting outside on a beautiful fall day, crying. Talking to my parents. And their response and reaction was completely different than I had anticipated. I was prepared for them to encourage counseling. To tell me to pray about it. To tell me that I could do this, that we just needed to work harder.

Instead I received more support than I could have imagined. It wasn't even suggested that staying together was an option. They both said that they saw this coming. I was encouraged to be responsible and to start saving money. To think about me. To take care of myself. And after I got home this evening, my mother called to tell me to keep talking, remember to take care of myself, and that they loved me.

I sat on the stairs, hiding from my kids, and cried. I feel like this was one of my biggest challenges, and I did it. I have family support. I am loved. I can do this.

I wish that I could see ahead a year. See what my life will be like. What my relationship with Steven will look like. The amount of unknowns scares me. I like organization. Things to be lined out. Schedules. Plans. And NONE of that happens in situations like these.

I don't want to be a single parent. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be without a spouse. I don't want to be financially in a worse position. I don't want to adjust my lifestyle drastically from how it is now. I want to wave a wand, and POOF...have Steven in the place of my husband. And life happily ever after. I want to avoid the messiness that is ahead of me.

And I can't. I can't. While in my heart I know that what I am doing is for ME and not for Steven, I would be lying to say that he isn't a factor. It would be real easy to continue living how I am. I could trade the marital issues in exchange for the comforts of everything else. I could continue as is. My husband has said to do what I need to do (like have an affair) as long as I am not blatant about it. I could keep that up. I could keep my children with both of their parents. I would be lying if I didn't admit that knowing that I have a future with Steven isn't a big motivator.

Yet, I need to take care of me. I need out. I need a new start. I need to do this right. I want a marriage done right. More than anything. I know in my heart that I am meant to be with Steven. There is no doubt. And I know that it will happen. I have moments of doubt...moments that I worry he will just say fuck it, and decide that his marriage isn't that bad. That he can stick it out and stay married until his kids are older. That I am not what he needs. That this is too hard.

I have to trust that things will happen the way they are supposed to. I have to trust that regardless of my relationship with Steven, that I am doing what I need to do, for me. I have to realize that I have a great support system within my family and a few of my friends.

I need to remember to breathe, and that fast forwarding isn't an option. I need to work towards a divorce that impacts my children minimally. I need to think about myself and what I need.

I need to trust that Steven and I will look back on these trying time and know that we did the right thing, for the right reasons, and that it was worth it. And when that time comes, I want to relish it. And most likely I will want to hit pause and savor that moment, and then hit play so that we can continue our lives. Together.

H.N.T. - SWEET KISSES

2009-10-01T15:01:00.000-07:00

I know it looks like he is sucking on my lips...maybe he was. I love kissing him....mmmm....

T.M.I. TUESDAY

2009-09-29T06:00:00.000-07:00

1. Have you used put anything edible on (or in) your partner's body and then eaten it? Nope. Can't say that I have. Unless you count the mouth...but I don't think that is what this meant. And of course I have done the edible ON the body thing...my lesbian phase in high school included full on body sundaes...chocolate sauce, cherries, the works. Pretty hot.

2. Have you ever had an AIDS test due to reasonable suspicion or hyperactive imagination? Unfortunately, yes. I had medical issues that were unexplained over a year ago, and every time I would Google the symptoms HIV would pop up. I got tested for everything under the sun (all negative, thankfully), and have not taken stupid risks since.

3. Have you ever fantasized about someone else other than your partner while you were engaged in sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation? Not until Steven came into my life. I have a hard time not being in the here and now, but since Steven there have been a few times when I have been with my husband and closed my eyes and tried to be somewhere else mentally! Masturbation and oral are easier to do this with, and yes, I have done that too.

4. Have you ever engaged in sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation while in a moving car? A car being driven by someone not engaged in the sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation? I have never had sex in a moving car. However, I have done everything else in a moving car, including oral and mutual masturbation. And yes to the car being driven by someone not involved in the activity...when my husband and I were first dating we had a friend that didn't have her license, and she loved to drive us around in his car...while we were in the back seat...

5. Have you ever had sex so many times or for so long that one or both people involved runs dry? Lube was created for a reason. Sometimes great sexathons need some lube...and sometimes lube is just fun for the hell of it!

Bonus (as in optional): Name 5 things an unplanned (or planned) visitor would find in your bedroom? A messy closet, my outfit for tomorrow set out, pictures of me as a kid, a giant jar of change, and a treadmill that I need to get to know better.

PHASES

2009-09-28T16:00:00.000-07:00

Affairs are interesting things.

I am feeling fairly reflective today, as next week marks EIGHT MONTHS that Steven and I have been together. EIGHT MONTHS. Wow.

I have been thinking about how we have had phases, and we seem to hit those phases at different times. There was the I HATE WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH YOUR SPOUSE phase...Steven went through it first, then I did. There was the I WANT EVERY SECOND OF YOUR TIME TO MYSELF phase...again, we hit this at different times. There is the WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUR SPOUSE phase. And of course the I NEED YOU, YES, I AM SUPER NEEDY AND YOU NEED TO MEET THOSE NEEDS phase, and while we have both weaved in and out of this...it is still there, and still has the right to resurface now and then. The trick is to realize that this phase is occurring, and act accordingly (this goes for the needy one, and the one that needs to deal with the needy one).

After a summer of pushing way too hard to see how much we could possibly see each other every hour/day/week/month, regardless of the price paid at home or work, we have mellowed out. Kids are settled back in school, we are buckled down at our jobs. While this summer was priceless, we both pushed our limits a bit too much. I have no regrets though...there will never be another summer like this in our relationship. I have a head full of memories...some beautiful, some funny, some painful, some intense, and that is something that I will forever cherish. And here we are, trotting along towards a wonderful time of year, yet knowing it is uncharted territory.

It is almost too much for me to think about this being the last holiday season with my current family situation (read: marriage). There are such mixed emotions that come with that. It is almost easier for me to NOT think like that, but I can't help it. It is my reality, and while it is what it is, it is still overwhelming. Having thoughts of WHAT WILL BE keeps me focused on the positive, and reminds me of what I am working towards.

I am so reflective on my life a year ago. To think that I was lowering myself to the likes of Adrien makes me want to vomit. I was such a sad person then. So lonely. So lost. So hungry for SOMETHING...ANYTHING. Honestly not caring if I was being used, because being used feels so much better than just existing.

I am also overwhelmed with the WHY of this relationship. WHY did this happen? What made me RANDOMLY post something on Craigslist that bleak February day? Why did Steven answer it? Why did this happen? To me? To him? To us? Was this who I was meant to be with? Does it work like that? WHY WHY WHY, if that is the case, why NOW? Why when we are so intertwined with our spouses and kids? Why, when this is HARD? Wouldn't have this been easier a few years ago? A decade ago? Why does it feel so good when I am in his arms? Why why why?

And was I really LOOKING for this? I don't think so. I honestly think that I would have been content with a good fuck friend. Really. I can tolerate my husband. Hell, I even like being around him most of the time. And now that I have had SO MUCH MORE...I realize that he would NEVER have been enough. Ever. So maybe I was looking for this, subconsciously? Maybe when I posted that on Craigslist, deep down I knew that I needed so much more.

All reflections aside, there is one thing that keeps lingering in my mind. Like a pulse that I can't stop.

YOU ARE HEADED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

Ten years ago I had a fortune cookie that said that. And I liked it. I kept it taped to my bathroom mirror for a few years, until it became ragged and I threw it away. That phrase has stuck with me though, because sometimes you just KNOW when you are headed in the right direction.

And I know that with utmost certainty. Right now.

I. Am. Headed. In. The. Right. Direction.

The messiness of having an affair is a non-issue. We are so much more than that. We have goals, specific, measurable, goals. We respect each other's goals. We have a common goal, and our own personal goals that need to happen to reach that common goal.

I have lost my fight. When you know something is so real, so there, and so tangible, you just let go and let it be. I have no jealousy regarding his wife. I don't think that he has any regarding my husband. These were such REAL issues to us previously, and now they aren't. It is liberating. I dreamt about his wife the other night, and it weirded me out. Yet, it also had great significance to me. The dream was civil, albeit weird. And it left me feeling peaceful, and if anything, a little sad. Sad for her, sad for my husband. They are the ones that will have lost. And we will have gained. Yet, my hope for both of them is that when this is said and done, that this can be a positive for them too. They are both ideal partners for lots of people in this world, and happiness is out there for them too.

So...while I can't promise to never say anything negative about our current spouses again, I have lost my fight. I don't care. I know where I rank. Steven knows where he ranks with me. And being insecure is okay, but letting it interfere with all that is wonderful about US is not.

Last night as I laid in Steven's arms, our bodies in a tangle of limbs, his hands cupped my face. We breathed each other in, sweet kisses were exchanged. And he says to me "This is it. This is what intimacy is." Just us, being us. Nothing fake. Nothing surface. Being vulnerable. Being real. Being silly...laughing, joking, kissing, teasing.

FINALLY. I finally can take a deep breath, and appreciate this relationship for the phase that it is currently in. A phase I am calling YOU ARE HEADED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

FISTING AND MORE

2009-09-21T19:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was quite possibly a perfect day. I met Steven for a few minutes in the morning and stole some deep kisses...the kind that send blood flowing to your pussy and make you want to fuck right then and there. Then we met for lunch...ate and kissed and talked. We were dying for the evening to come so we could BE TOGETHER...we were both very horny, very needy, and watching the clock. We were teasing each other all day, talking about what we wanted to do to each other...driving each other nuts.

This is all fine and dandy...except I got careless and accidentally texted I AM HORNY to my very conservative, very frigid girlfriend instead of Steve. FUCK! I was MORTIFIED! I cleared it up by telling her it was meant for my husband, and then I told my husband in case she teased him about it later. Damn it! Thankfully it wasn't something more incriminating.

So...FINALLY...we are both off work.

We spent a few hours in a hotel room kissing, snuggling, eating pizza, and of course having sex. AND...I had wanted to play with fisting some more, and we did! And I did it! And it rocked! I was relaxed, and when Steven told me he was in me up to his wrist all I could think was THIS FEELS AMAZING! He was totally turned on by how I felt inside, and that when I climaxed he could feel the muscles contracting around his hand. I was unbelievably wet and soooooo turned on! He was really focusing on me down there, licking, sucking, feeling, teasing, working me up into a crazy sweaty orgasm. Steven has said all along that he loves every aspect of sex...the sights, sounds, feelings, tastes, etc. and he isn't lying! He was commenting on all of it...telling me how hot it looked, how good it tasted, how much he was enjoying it.

It is so hard for me to decide where I like Steven to cum...because I like it all so much. There is something really intimate about going home after being together and having traces of him still inside of me. There is something so hot about swallowing that I am unable to put it into words. However, last night I had the privelege of swallowing a load and having him shoot one on my back. I love how it feels as it hits my skin! It was funny, because he was pounding me from behind, and I was just about to tell him that I wanted him to cum on my back, when all of a sudden he pulled out and did it! We are so in sync sometimes it is scary.

We took a few pictures...watch for them on H.N.T.!

I am so in love. Sometimes I think it is a good thing that I can't SHOUT IT TO THE WORLD, because surely by now people would be sick of it! My Facebook status would be "SOOOOO IN LOVE" all the time...my Myspace status would be "I THINK STEVEN IS PERFECT!", and people would be nauseous after listening to me GUSH all damn day.

Oh, but the time will come...and obnoxious I will be. And I don't give a crap if it annoys people! If you have a good thing going on, tell the world, right? And if you don't...FIND A GOOD THING. He/She is out there. Somewhere.

I know this for a fact.

MAKING LOVE

2009-09-19T19:28:00.000-07:00

I have sex on the brain. IMAGINE THAT!

Steven and I have a hotel date tomorrow night, and I can't wait! We always have great sex, whether it is as vanilla as vanilla gets, or down right naughty and freaky, I love it all.

Something is up with me though...could be the feel of Fall in the air, could be any number of things. Whatever it is, I can't stop thinking about what I want to do tomorrow night! I was out to lunch with my sons today, and then a quick trip to Target, and I was OBSESSING over thoughts of what tomorrow night will be like. "No honey, we aren't buying a toy gun that shoots marshmallows" (mmmmm...I want to sit on his face tomorrow night) "Do we need toilet paper?" (maybe he will bite me a little...I do like that...) "Let's get in line over here." (MAN I WANT TO FUCK HIM SO BAD!)

Yes...that was my thought pattern.

We talked on the phone quite a bit today, and he knows I am HUNGRY for him. I told him I wanted to play with fisting some more tomorrow...he promised to lick and suck and tease and get me good and ready for it. I have images of the time we did it...the vibrator on my clit, his hand in me...mmmmm...

I really want to spend time on his cock too. In my mouth. Maybe he wants to try that little vibrator around (or in) his ass again? Lots of lube on his balls...my hands swirling around them as I suck on his hardness.

I am also in a photography mood. I have visions of some really sexy pictures of him...and I want to play with black and white. Sometimes taking the color out really emphasises the subject...I love taking pictures of him...of us...

Porn sounds fun too. Maybe we will find a little to watch online...just for kicks. It isn't always that arousing to me, but sometimes it is. It just depends. I wouldn't mind watching some together, we haven't done much lately.

I want every position tomorrow. I keep thinking about being on top...we had some good, intense sex earlier this week where I was on top, but laying on him...my fingers working my clit while he slid in and out...it ended in a very intense orgasm. The eye contact was great. I want some hard fucking from behind...I am thinking about bent over the bathroom counter so Steve can watch in the mirror. I want to be on top some. I want him on top. I want some slow, soft, heavy eye contact and sweet conversation sex too.

I want to lay next to Steve, and run my fingers all over his neck and back. Gently rubbing his body. Sometimes when I do this, I feel as if I am transferring the love that I feel for him through my fingertips and into his body. That sometimes it is more meaningful to touch him like I love him than telling him I love him.

I never grasped the term "MAKING LOVE" completely until now. All of a sudden I get it. That is what we do! Us! Steven and Missy! Making love! I get it I get it I get it! I want to shout it to the neighbors...the cars on the road...my employees...my cats...the people at Starbucks..."Can I get a iced grande nonfat mocha, and OH BY THE WAY I NOW KNOW WHY PEOPLE CALL IT MAKING LOVE!"

Ahhhhh....what a wonderful feeling...details of tomorrow night will surely be posted...I can't wait to kiss my sexy man and to wear us both out sexually! Is that possible? Hehe...

Life is good.

FRIDAY FILL IN

2009-09-18T00:00:00.000-07:00

1. My car is a great place to give a blow job when all else fails.

2. October is coming up next.

3. Lately, things seem complicated, but I know we can do this!

4. In Steven's arms is one of my favorite 'hiding' places.

5. What happened to the days when things were easy?

6. Being really, truly happy is not impossible!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to Bunco with the girls, tomorrow my plans include ABSOLUTELY NOTHING and Sunday, I want to hopefully see Steven!

H.N.T. - INTERESTING EYES

2009-09-17T00:00:00.000-07:00

“Love is not blind; it is an extra eye, which shows us what is most worthy of regard.”

James Matthew Barrie (best known as the creator of Peter Pan)

Thanks to Another Suburban Mom for inspiring the HNT flaws last week and the HNT for this week...a part of me that I am fond of! I went back and forth between a few parts that I like, but settled on the eyes. I have always thought that I have interesting eyes...and have heard everything from "bedroom eyes" to wondering if I am of Asian descent. While they are not a stunning color, or anything especially exciting, I will admit that you can tell quite a bit about my mood, feelings for you, and much more by looking at my eyes.

20 THINGS ABOUT STEVEN THAT MAKE ME SMILE

2009-09-14T19:58:00.000-07:00

What a weekend! I am still recovering! We met up Saturday night and had dinner, drinks, and then stopped off at the Swinger's Club.

We wandered (as usual), observed a freaky girl masturbating in front of people, watched a bit of porn, and then went and watched a couple have sex. It was a turn on, except the guy couldn't keep it up, so it didn't last too long. SO...we went into a room to have our own fun, and left the door open for a few observers...it was a fast but intense show...blow job, sex from behind, I had a nice orgasm, and then turned around to catch Steve's load in my mouth. I believe there was a slight applause!

After that we met up with two friends of mine (FROM CHURCH!!) and had more drinks, and danced. Well, I wasn't in much of a dancing mood, but Steve and the friends were, so that was cool. AND THEY LOVED HIM! Within minutes they were whispering about how cute he was and how perfect we were together, and I was like....I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW!!! Yes, these girls are aware of my situation (our situation) but both agree that I need to be happy, both know that my husband has agreed to turn a blind eye to anything, and they both can see that Steven and I are a great fit for each other.

Well...it was all fine and dandy until I got sick. Yep...one shot too many. I will spare you the details, but let's just say that you know a guy is a keeper when he deals with your puking ass, and stays sweet and loving the whole time. Seriously, Steven took such good care of me...and while I am mortified that I let it happen, it is nice to know that we can be that way with each other.

So...it took me all day Sunday to recover, but it was worth it overall. We had a great time. I am in such a good place right now. Steven and I had lunch together in the park today, it was just so nice to have that quiet, mellow TOGETHER time.

I have been really reflective lately. I don't think that I was in a good place most of the summer. I feel like I was going through the motions. Being a mom, working, keeping things up around the house. Volunteering time, trips, weddings, etc. Underneath this though I was in a hard place. I wouldn't say a dark place, but a hard place. A place where I couldn't see the end of anything. Where everything seemed untouchable. Things were dangling in front of me, but I couldn't reach out far enough to grab them.

I am BACK. And that is a great feeling. To have the kids back in school, to have a routine again, to feel like I can DO THIS. I can get through what I need to get through in the next day. Week. Month. Year. I am strong. I am loved. I can conquer anything! I have goals. Little goals and huge goals.

So...here is a little list of things about Steven that make me smile...I am just so damned happy right now that it is almost obnoxious!

1. His sense of humor.
2. The way he kisses me.
3. The low growl noise he makes when he is sexually devouring me.
4. The way his arms feel around me.
5. Our inside jokes. There are lots of them.
6. The fact that he likes that indent that is between the nose and upper lip on me.
7. When he breathes me in.
8. When he tacks his last name/initial on to my name.
9. The fact that he has a voyeuristic / exhibitionist side.
10. My friends adore him.
11. His lips. Ohhhh they make me HOT.
12. Lunch at the park with him. Love this!
13. The silly things we do that are just US.
14. The feel of our skin touching.
15. The fact that he always drives and always opens doors. I like how he looks driving my car.
16. How he is EXACTLY what I need.
17. The fact that we have so much in common.
18. The fact that we are rubbing off on each other, and acquiring each other's likes.
19. How passionate he is.
20. We are perfect for each other.

I hope you all had a great weekend!

THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO...

2009-09-12T00:00:00.000-07:00

I have told Steven numerous times that this blog is a book in progress.

I have spent more time than I will admit scouring the shelves of Barnes and Noble looking for a book that mirrors my situation. NADA. Sure, there are TONS of books on being the VICTIM of extramarital affairs. And I am bothered by most of them...I mean, how many people are really VICTIMS? Yes, there are some people that have spouses that cheat for NO REASON. And I agree that they are victims. HOWEVER, let's just be real honest here...if it is all good at home, why would someone stray? Seriously, having an affair is a lot of fucking work. Why go to the trouble, take the risk, spend the money, and work twice as hard to maintain more than one relationship IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO? I mean, I am a motivated and energetic person naturally, but I sure as hell am not so motivated or energetic to seek out something without just cause.

So, there are plenty of books that will talk shit about people like me (THE DREADED HUSBAND STEALING SLUT THAT DOES NAUGHTY THINGS TO YOUR HUSBAND THAT YOU REFUSE TO DO), or people like Steven (THE WIFE STEALING MAN THAT IS EVERYTHING THAT HE ISN'T AND THEN SOME AND YES, HE HAS THE STAMINA OF SOMEONE HALF HIS AGE).

Then there are the books that are about MOVING PAST THE AFFAIR. Forgiveness. Forgetting. The lesson learned. Rebuilding trust. Blah blah blah. I respect these books though, because I do believe that affairs can serve as a LOUD wake up call for marriages. And in a marriage where maybe there were issues, but not an overall bad relationship, this can work. It has not worked for me, but I know people that it has, and more power to both parties for doing the work that comes with rebuilding a damaged relationship.

HOWEVER, I have yet to find a book that reaches out and touches all of the complexities that Steven and I have. Some of the complexities are things that I haven't (or won't) blog about. Some I have blogged about. Some are things that we haven't even encountered yet, but inevitably will.

So...when I joke about this blog being a book, I am also serious. I think that the Internet is a real blessing. People like me are able to peruse blogs, read about other people in similar situations. Read about people in very different situations. To not be judged. We are read by people daily that continue to follow our journey, support our relationship, and we do the same to other people.

If this were a book though, and I needed to dedicate it to someone, I have a list of people that it would be dedicated to. Steven and I have met people along our journey together. Some know our situation. Some probably assume it. Some are most likely clueless. Yet, they are people that remember us, know our names, and the sheer normalcy of being treated like a REAL-LIFE-ACTUAL-COUPLE is indescribable. Right now, today, our relationships with most co-workers, kids, friends, and family are HIS and MINE. Not OURS. So these people, however shallow the relationships are, however surface they are, they are OURS. Our people. Our relationships TOGETHER. As a COUPLE. And that is a beautiful thing.

Those people are:

- T: WORKS AT MOTEL 6, GIVES US GREAT DEALS AND WANTS TO BE OUR FRIEND.

- ALEX: WORKS AT A BAR THAT WE LIKE TO GO TO. YOUNG, CUTE, FRIENDLY, NICE.

- SANDY: GROUCHY OLDER LADY THAT STEVEN SOFTENED. BARTENDER AT A PLACE THAT WE LIKE TO GO TO. STEVEN GOT HER SINGING AND DANCING RECENTLY, AND THIS WOMAN LOVES STEVEN! AND IT CRACKS ME UP!

- HEIDI: ANOTHER BARTENDER. ANOTHER BAR. I SWEAR WE AREN'T ALCOHOLICS.

- TONYA: ANOTHER BARTENDER. WORKS AT A CHINESE RESTAURANT THAT STEVEN CALLS CHINGS, BUT THAT ISN'T THE REAL NAME. SHE MOST LIKELY WENT TO SCHOOL WITH PEOPLE I KNOW, SO STEVEN SHUSHES ME IF I GET TOO CHATTY.

- M: CO-WORKER OF MINE. KNOWS THE SCOOP. TOO DUMB TO REPEAT IT TO ANYONE IF HER LIFE DEPENDED ON IT. SERIOUSLY, SHE IS THAT DENSE.

- S: FRIEND OF MINE. HASN'T MET STEVEN YET, BUT WANTS TO. LEAST JUDGEMENTAL FRIEND I HAVE.

- B: A RELATIVE OF MINE. SHE ISN'T STUPID, AND KNOWS THERE IS SOMETHING GOING ON. HAS NOT ASKED ENOUGH QUESTIONS TO PUT THE PIECES TOGETHER. TRUST HER WITH MY LIFE.

- F: ANOTHER FRIEND. HAS MET STEVEN. MY RELATIONSHIP WITH HER COMES AND GOES, BUT I TRUST HER COMPLETELY. WE HAVE BEEN THERE FOR EACH OTHER THROUGH HARD TIMES, AND SHE HAS BEEN IN MY SHOES A TIME OR TWO. IS A GREAT ALIBI IF NEEDED.

It is strange to have this diverse group of people that are a part of US. And today, as I was thinking about this, I realized how TEMPORARY this group is. How we will reach a point where everyone is OURS. Everyone can be a part of US. And while that excites me, what excites me more is getting to the point of being able to THANK these people that we have now. To let them know that we liked knowing their names, and them knowing ours. That we loved that they remembered us when we walked into a bar, and remembered our drinks of choice. That there is SOMETHING MEMORABLE about US. I am fairly convinced that it is Steven that they remember, but it is also US. That it was nice having T know our situation, so that when we get a room at the Motel 6 she knows the deal. Why we are there. I am not a hooker. He is not a pimp. We are normal people, with lives and kids and jobs, and normal people often find themselves in marriages that aren't working.

And lastly, I challenge everyone reading this to think twice about the people you encounter every day. Is that someone like you? Someone in your situation? Whether or not you agree with our situation, and regardless of your own situation, stop and think about it. Steven and I had met at a business park for a few minutes last week...we were both working and snuck off to meet up. And while talking, I saw Steven observing something that was happening in the parking lot. I paid closer attention, and saw a woman get in her car and a man get in his truck. And she drove off. I made eye contact with Steve, and we both got the giggles.

Perhaps we were wrong, but it looked awfully familiar. An awful lot like us. As the man sat in his truck texting someone, Steven speculated that maybe he was messaging his wife, telling her he was running late or something. You never know...but if your situation was a book,WHO WOULD YOU DEDICATE YOUR BOOK TO?

FRIDAY FILL IN

2009-09-11T19:27:00.000-07:00

1. That's a bad place to be.

2. Kids; I'm over here!

3. The possibilities include: being strong enough to do anything that I put my mind to.

4. Chili from scratch and cornbread is one of my favorite cool day recipes.

5. How will you know that I am what you want and need.

6. A good book and a stormy sky.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to quiet time at home, tomorrow my plans include Steven and Sunday, I want to wake up next to him!

H.N.T. - FLAWS

2009-09-10T20:01:00.000-07:00

I was really excited that ANOTHER SUBURBAN MOM decided to do a FLAWS version of H.N.T., and that so many others were on board! I was hesitant, and pondered it all day. I was so interested in everyone's flaws...some I related to so well, and NONE of them looked like flaws to me. It is so interesting how easy it is to see the beauty in others, but not in ourselves.

So...like ANOTHER SUBURBAN MOM, it is my tummy that is my biggest issue. Two c-sections, and two other abdominal surgeries have not helped one bit. However, it is what it is, and it is me, and here it is! Better late than never. Thanks to the rest of you brave enough to do this too...you gave me courage!

T.M.I. TUESDAY

2009-09-08T17:33:00.000-07:00

1) If you were to only live until the age of 50, how would you live your life differently?

I would stop the chaos. Slow down. I would want to be with Steven FOR REAL right this very second. I would travel. I would cherish the smallest of small things with my children and family. I would take dance lessons, get a tattoo, and pierce my nipples. I would push myself in every aspect...professionally, physically, sexually, mentally.

2) Are you settling in your job/career?

Yes, and no. I have an amazingly flexible schedule, which I can't put a price on. It has enabled me to be home with my kids a significant amount. I feel that on a small scale that I make a difference in doing what I do. What I feel the best about is that I give young people positive work experience that they can (hopefully) take elsewhere as they move on. However, I am settling in some aspects because I am worth way more money than I am paid. I am smart enough to be doing something way more complicated. Not trying to sound arrogant, but it is the truth.

3) Are you settling with your significant other?

With my husband? Yes. Steven? No. HOWEVER...I am DONE settling within my marriage, and won't for much longer.

4) How important is your family?

My family is my everything. My kids are my world. My sisters are my best friends. My mom, while frustrating at times, is very important to me (maybe too important). I have friends that are like family to me as well.

5) If you caught a neighbor peeping in at you while you were naked or having sex, would you close the blinds? (assuming you live in a city and can see into other buildings).

Hell no. Anyone that reads this blog knows that Steven and I get off on being watched now and then.

THINKING...AND IT EXCITES ME!

2009-09-05T08:06:00.000-07:00

I woke up an hour ago, and while listening to the rain from the coziness of my bed, I started thinking.

Thinking about how filled with hope that I am right now. Thinking about how bright the future seems.

Thinking that the rain, and beginnings of Fall in the air are symbolic of another season that Steven and I will be together.

Thinking that when this started, it was Winter. Thinking that the 7th of September marks 7 months of this roller coaster ride that I am so very thankful for.

Thinking that when I saw him last night, he looked super yummy.

Thinking that when we walked on OUR BEACH in the dark last night, holding hands, that I wanted time to stop.

Thinking that when when I was on my knees in the sand, the light drizzle of rain falling, the sound of the water rippling, and the warmth and hardness of his cock in my mouth that life seemed pretty much perfect in that moment.

Thinking that when the rain started coming down harder, that moving under some trees was a good idea.

Thinking that being bent over, hands against the moss on an old tree, a branch tangled in my hair, and feeling Steven slide into me was amazing. It's a height thing.

Thinking that I can't WAIT to be US. Totally and completely US. To be as intertwined with each other's lives as you can possibly be.

Thinking that weekly we become more a part of the real lives that the other leads. We learn more. Feel more. Think more. Plan more. Share more. Experience more.

Thinking that I am head over heels in love with Steven.

Thinking that I am pretty darn fortunate.

Thinking that I am excited for our future and what it holds.

H.N.T. - AMAZING ORAL

2009-09-03T08:06:00.000-07:00

I like cock. It is NO SECRET. Put one in me, and it doesn't take long to cum. And cum again. And cum again. However...I had THE MOST MIND BLOWING ORAL given to me from Steven last night...I actually had the patience to ride it out, let it build, and have an incredibly intense orgasm. He is AMAZING...I am still tingly from it. He was down there for a good half hour, teasing, getting me close and then backing off a bit. HE IS INCREDIBLE!

I HAVE BLOW JOBS ON THE BRAIN...AGAIN

2009-09-01T17:05:00.000-07:00

There is something therapeutic about giving a blow job.

It can be as relaxing to me as anything.

To have someone at their most vulnerable, most intimate, most open is something that I think can be often overlooked. Yet, when you have your mouth around a cock, that is exactly what it is. He is trusting you. Sharing himself with you. Allowing himself to connect with you in one of the most intimate ways.

Yes, I realize that there are *other* aspects about it that men like. However, I am talking about ME and what I get out of it.

When I have heard girlfriends talk about not liking to perform oral sex on their man, I am baffled. WHY WHY WHY girls? What the HELL? You are missing out.

I was 13 when I gave my first blow job. Alarming, yes, I know. However, it was something that I immediately enjoyed, and has been something that I have continued to enjoy. On some level, it is sexually gratifying for me. No, there isn't an orgasm that comes from it, but most of us recognize that sometimes it isn't about the orgasm. I don't give them expecting something in return, and head has never been a reward to any man in my life for something well done. I overheard a couple bargaining at a party a few years ago...if he weeded the garden for an hour she would give him a blow job. WHAT THE HELL? Really? Is this really something that women think of as a REWARD? I don't get, nor will I ever get, the SEX AS LEVERAGE theory. If I am in a relationship with you, sex is sex. You get it. No matter what. I can be mad, tired, angry, hurt, but withholding sexual activity is not an option. And 99% of the time it can help the issue at hand anyway.

Swallowing has never been an optional activity for me either. Why WOULDN'T you swallow? Would you expect a guy to go down on you and experience NONE OF YOUR TASTE? No. Because he doesn't have a choice. I had a friend once tell me that she couldn't stand the taste of cum. S-E-L-F-I-S-H. Trust me, no two men taste alike. And I would be lying if I said that they were all equally as tasty. HOWEVER, different men kiss different. Different men have sex different. Different men perform oral on women different. SO YES, THEY TASTE DIFFERENT. To me, part of the thrill is relishing their unique flavor...and if it isn't a GREAT one, it is still pleasurable to me from all other aspects. SO WHAT if you take time doing something you enjoy and have to take a quick swallow of something that isn't amazing tasting? Deal. With. It.

The first time I was asked "Do you swallow?" I was truly perplexed. I looked at the guy and said "I didn't know there was another way." And I was SERIOUS. Yes, I was young, but still. Really? We have options? Bitch PLEASEEEEEEEEE.

Suck. It. Up.

Literally.

THAT'S RIGHT FOLKS. WE ARE CRAZZZZZZZY.

2009-08-30T10:07:00.000-07:00

Evidence of another wonderful night together...yes, we begged, borrowed, and stole to get a sleepover last night. And when I left the hotel room this morning, Steven sent me this picture on his cell phone.

This is sooooo us. I mean, really...the MOTEL 6 logo on the phone just really seals the deal on the white trash factor...combined with the energy drink, cigarette, lighter, vibrator, lube, RUSH, gum, and......drum roll.......STEVE'S WEDDING RING. Yes, that is right, because REMOVING THE RING BEFORE FUCKING MAKES IT...never mind. It just makes it not fall off when lube is involved. You thought I had some backasswards justification happening, didn't you?

Yeah...I am not THAT nuts. Yet.

Let's just tell it like it is.

We are a bit nuts. Not psycho, dangerous around kids, watch out or I will steal your cat, I talk to myself all the time, look at me wrong and I will bite you nuts.

Nope, not that kind of nuts.

Nuts as in WE ARE REALLY GOOD, UPSTANDING CITIZENS THAT HAVE JOBS, AND LOTS OF KIDS, AND MORTGAGES, AND SPOUSES, AND CHURCHES, AND FRIENDS, AND HOBBIES, AND WE CAN HOLD AN INTELLIGENT CONVERSATION, FIGHT A WICKED FIGHT, AND DAMN IT WE ARE CUTE....BUT....we have this inner freak, party it up, run around and be silly, let's pretend we don't have responsibilities, yes that is us with the loud rap music dancing in the minivan....nuts.

THAT kind of nuts.

I asked Steve this morning if I was his mid life crisis. He refused to answer because he said it is a really dumb question.

In a sense though, we ARE each other's crisis. Really.

Our love is not a crisis. Our sex is not a crisis. Having fun together is not a crisis. What is a crisis is that we have been FUCKING STUCK. FUCKING TRAPPED. FUCKING UNFULFILLED. And THAT my friends, is a CRISIS.

And until the day comes that we can be free to be US...we live amongst crisis. We cram a full blown relationship, complete with head over heels love, into a fraction of what legit couples have. We have sex with fervor, knowing that any sex we get at home is merely like a JELLO PUDDING CUP when we know that the MUD PIE FROM RED ROBIN is out there counting the seconds until we meet again. We fight like our lives depend on it, because sometimes I think they do. Why not freak out on the one that GETS IT THE MOST? The one that UNDERSTANDS? The one that has filled this huge void, yet when you are apart the void is bigger than any void that was there before?

People take SO MUCH for granted. I admit, I have been this way before too. Yet, when I woke up this morning with a throbbing headache from too many margaritas, I was APPRECIATIVE.

I was APPRECIATIVE of Steven's skin touching mine. I was APPRECIATIVE of the hangover, because it meant that we had a wonderful, wild, crazy night together. I was APPRECIATIVE of the bed, the sheets, the roof, the warmth, the room...because that is so much more than many, many people have. I was APPRECIATIVE of exhaustion...because what caused that was having sex for 2 hours in the middle of the night. I was APPRECIATIVE of Steven...thankful that he found me, thankful that we have each other, thankful that he is my future.

It is way too easy to take it for granted. Eleven years ago, I was a year into marriage with a new baby, working on buying a home, a decent job, and looking forward to a future of all that is bright and shiny. I was 19 going on 40. And I APPRECIATED none of it (except the baby). And after watching my marriage unravel, my sex life with my husband become bleak, and the realization that I went from a senior in high school to a van driving mommy overnight, I feel cheated. By my own doing.

SO...I am acting out a bit. Just a skosh. Steven is too. We pretend we aren't.

But really, we are.

And guess what? I am OKAY with being a bit nuts. And if this is more than a phase, I am okay with that too. If we become senior citizens that are having a few too many drinks on a Saturday night, stopping in at a Swinger's Club, and then having sex all night, WHO CARES? The reality is that we are both having needs met that have been neglected for years. Everything that we do is special, meaningful, precious. Everything we do is feeding us in some way, shape, or form.

We have so much fun together...I love being in public with him...I love seeing him get checked out by other women AND HE IS MINE and that feels amazing. I love how he makes me laugh. I love how comfortable we are together. I love that we are so intertwined with each other's lives that we often have to stop ourselves from talking about each other to our friends and families.

And I love how adventurous we are. I feel so free when we are together. I try new things. Last night I HAD MY FIRST FULL BLOWN FISTING EXPERIENCE. If you are into this, leave a comment...I want to know what other people think. I liked it. I wasn't sure if I wanted his hand moved a lot once it was in, but I certainly liked the feeling of fullness. There is certainly a level of trust and patience required, and it has a feeling of intimacy that is really hard to explain.

My only regret is that I wasn't completely sober. Next time I will be.

I have spent some time this morning reading about fisting, and what I have found is quite interesting. There is quite a bit of writing out there on the spiritual aspect of fisting. The first article I read talked about what the fist can be symbolic of from a biblical sense, complete with scripture to back it up. I was questioning this a bit, but kept researching (nerd that I am). What I found is that there are books on this, many articles, and dozens of personal testimonies from people seriously moved by the highly sensual yet spiritual experiences that they have had with fisting.

So...our two hour sexathon was amazing. All of it was great. I needed that. I haven't been with someone, ever, that I could just PLAY with for hours on end. Steve stays hard. Can cum when he wants and it isn't over if he doesn't want it to be. He is patient, and eager to please. He is excited to do it all, and loves making me happy. Steven absorbs all aspects of sex...he pays close attention, and humors me by recapping it to me when I ask afterwards.

I want to read more on fisting and do this again, ASAP.

Our finale was him cumming in my ass (he teases me because when we first met I said this was one thing I wasn't really crazy about...funny how things change...I have let him do it twice now...) while he was on top of me. This was the ultimate in intimate endings, a perfect way to end an intimate time in bed. Looking at his beautiful face, his eyes fierce with love for me, and feeling my body completely relaxed and surrendered to him...truly amazing.

Mid life crisis? Nah

Nuts? Okay, in some ways.

Building a future amongst an underground life speckled with incredible sex, crazy ass moments of juvenile behavior, good food and better drinks, Camel Lights, hotel rooms, lube, unknowing spouses, lots of kids, and above it all an incredible amount of love for each other? YES. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT WE ARE DOING.

H.N.T. - WET SEX HAIR

2009-08-27T07:59:00.000-07:00

IMMEDIATELY AFTER AMAZING HOT TUB SEX...
I think it is true that you can gauge the quality of the sex by what it does to your hair.

Here is the link to the post about the day this was taken....
http://wheredoyouwanttoputthat.blogspot.com/2009/08/sex-on-fire.html

T.M.I. TUESDAY...SLEEPY TIME

2009-08-25T17:43:00.001-07:00

1. Do you have "your" side of the bed? Which side?

I don't have a side that I prefer, but I think I have always slept on the side furthest from the door. Steven told me that it is an instinct or something like that. It really stems from a fear of smoke detectors I had as a child...I wanted to be as far from them as possible.

2. How old is your pillow and what condition is it in?

Relatively new, and in good condition. All three! Ever since seeing an Oprah episode that talked about scary pillow facts, I have gotten neurotic. I replace pillows! Often!

3. What is your favorite position to sleep in?

My ultimate favorite is on my stomach. However, when I have stayed the night with Steven, I tend to be on my side snuggling with him.

4. How often do you change your sheets?

Weekly.

5. What helps you fall asleep when insomnia strikes?

Reading, watching TV (cooking shows and the shopping channel are guaranteed to relax me and knock me out), Tylenol PM, sometimes sex.

6. Does sex make you sleepy or energized?

Depends on the time of day and the type of sex. And I suppose, given my situation, who the sex is with. I can't tell you when I have had sex with my husband and felt ENERGIZED afterwards. It's been YEARS. Steven and I have sex that makes me giddy and energized, and we also have sex that makes me want to cuddle up and sleep because I feel so fulfilled and complete. It just depends.

7. What is the minimum amount of sleep that you need to be functional the next day?

I can "function" on a few hours. I feel best with anything over 7...but the reality is that if it is 5 or 6 hours, I am just fine...my friend STARBUCKS helps too.

A WEEKEND TO REMEMBER

2009-08-23T20:38:00.000-07:00

WHAT AN AMAZING WEEKEND!

We somehow finagled two consecutive nights together...OVERNIGHT. Glorious! I am still warm and fuzzy from it!

It was a matter of the planets aligning or something...my kids were with grandparents, he had realistic work related reasons to be gone, and my husband just does not care. We met up Friday night...at this point we were only thinking we had one night together. We got a room, and met there. Of course we had to have sex first (which was great, as always...love that cum on the back / Steve licks it up and gives it to me action!) Then we went out for some excellent seafood and drinks, and then went back to the bar that is at the hotel where we were staying. This bar is somewhere that I have frequented quite a bit over the years, and there is this older, CRABBY lady that works there. And she was waiting on us.

NO ONE that I have EVER been there with has ever gotten this woman to crack a smile.

And guess what? Steven has this woman LAUGHING and JOKING and DANCING and SINGING and having a great time. That is just the kind of guy he is.

We went back to our room, had wild and crazy sex all over the place (we had drank a bit downstairs) and finally decided that the bed was overrated and ended up on the floor. Apparently I wanted it hard and fast, and was being pretty demanding...nothing like alcohol to make me bossy...and to make me want a good, hard fuck. I had turned on my laptop and loaded some old school rap ...Naughty By Nature...Biggie...a little Eminem...good sex music. I was impressing Steven with my extensive knowledge of lyrics to non-mommy music, and acting like a drunken goof. Make that a GANGSTA' drunken goof.

After that, we should have gone to sleep, but the great sex had me amped up. Steven was lying on the bed, and I reminded him that WE WERE NOT 50 and told him that we needed some Taco Bell. I drove us across the street, we ordered (I guess I was being obnoxious there too), and took our food to "our lake" down the road. TACO BELL AFTER DRINKS AND GREAT SEX IS QUITE POSSIBLY THE BEST THING EVER. We ate our food, and while standing outside by "our lake" I decided I had to pee.

BAD IDEA. I am not a camper. Not a nature kind of girl. Not a squat and pee in the wild woman. Nope. Not at all. Yeah...I thought I had nailed it...until I stood up and realized I had been peeing on the leg of my pants.

Fuck. Seriously FUCKING embarrassing. Steven thought it was HILARIOUS...laughed at me the whole way back to our room...thank goodness it was in the middle of the night because I had to walk through the hotel like this! I was ready to walk in my panties and t-shirt, but Steven had the sense to discourage this.

We snuggled up in bed, slept, woke up and had another round of great sex, and both of us headed off to work.

PERFECTION. Later on Saturday, circumstances arose that made a second night feasible. Sweet! I was soooooooo excited. BONUS!!

We met up after work Saturday, and got a room at the Motel 6. Now...here is what I have to say about Motel 6. We have used them for a few hours here and there. Never overnight. But...Friday night we had stayed somewhere nice, and decided to be a little bit fiscally responsible with night number two. Long story short...the employee that is always there when we have gone there is great. Always nice, always gives us a room in the part that I request. I had told Steven that we needed to bring her something...so, being how he is, he checks in, chats with her, basically tells her the situation we have, etc. She is down with being discreet...I am sure Motel 6 sees it all. That is just how they roll. So...she tells him that she had assumed that we were what we are, and I hook her up with some yummy baked goods, and we are surely on our way to being friends...she is discreet, we take care of her, she takes care of us, it's all good.

We get settled in our room, leave a candle burning to get rid of the MOTEL 6 ROOM SMELL, and go to this AMAZING PLACE that Steven discovered early on in our relationship. This bar has THE BEST BURGER IN THE WORLD, good drinks, great karaoke, an amazing outdoor garden type area, and it is no where we would run into anyone we know. We ate, drank, hung out, and then were at a loss with what to do next.

We had toyed with the idea of going to the Swinger's Club. I was down with it at first, but I was also tired...the night before had worn me out...the other dilemma was that the later it gets, the more it becomes active, and being there fully clothed and watching isn't really the best. Watching has seemed to be the best earlier in the night.

We went to another place that we frequent, stayed there a bit listening to the WORST karaoke ever, and left.

So, we went back to our room, and laid on the bed watching funny videos on You Tube, and just hanging out. After midnight we decided to go down the road to Applebees and get a drink, AND HERE IS WHERE I GET TO THE BEST PART OF THE ENTIRE WEEKEND.

We are sitting there in the bar, talking about this and that. We were talking about places that are "our places" and Steven brought up a park/lake that we have gone to now and then to hang out and talk, and have junk food picnics.

And while talking about this place, we talk about the first time we were there. There was no one around, we walked down by the water...talking, and kissing. We took some cute pictures of us on my cell phone, and all of a sudden Steven grabs a stick.

And writes that he loves me in the sand.

And I snapped a picture with my phone, and told him that no one had ever written that they loved me in the sand before.
He was shocked. It was the honest truth. Never.

So, there we are at Applebees, reminiscing about that, and Steve tears up. With tears in his eyes he tells me that it makes him sad to think that no one had ever written that they loved me in the sand before. That I was so great, how could that have never happened with another guy? And that at the same time, he was glad that he was the first. Of course seeing him be emotional and sweet and tearing up makes me start crying. Steve blots the corner of my eyes with a napkin and we hug...having our own little sappy moment in the bar.

Seriously, is this not the sweetest guy ever? I have never felt so completely cared for. So completely loved. So complete.

We go back to our room, get ready for bed, and snuggle up together. After an amazing night's sleep, we had mind blowing sex this morning with nearly simultaneous orgasms as a finale. Steven has read about pussy massaging (there is some fancy word for it that is slipping my mind), and ladies...this is fabulous! He rubs me all over down there with lube, and it is euphoric...relaxing, exciting, arousing, crazy good feeling. It is about more than rubbing where you know it feels good...it is about the whole area. And by the time he slid his hard cock into me, I was crazy turned on. I decided to use a vibrator on my clit, and FOUGHT LIKE HELL to not cum. I could have so many times, but wouldn't let myself. It built and built, and we kept going and going...VERY intense like. No switching around, no position changes, just good intense sex. And Steven playing with my nipples was incredible for some reason...it always arouses me but it was way more than usual. As much as I love eye contact during sex, I was so focused on my own body that I couldn't focus on him. I was starting to feel delirious with pleasure when I came, and it took a bit for the room to stop spinning afterwards. Seriously the MOST CRAZY INTENSE orgasm I think I have ever had.

14+ hours later I am still walking on air, smiling, giddy, and more in love than ever.

SEX STONED

2009-08-17T22:25:00.000-07:00

I have a look, and a feeling that I get after good sex.

STONED.

I look stoned. I feel stoned. Now, keep in mind I have only REALLY felt this way a few times in my life...in my wilder days. HOWEVER...sex stoned is a frequent feeling since meeting Steven.

We did what we should have done two days ago tonight. We got a hotel room, a bag of junk food, a pack of cigarettes, and went to it.

We both knew what we needed. Nothing fancy, no acrobatics, nothing kinky. Just really good, intimate sex, cuddling, rubbing, kissing, holding, and some good hard fucking. Sometimes the sound of skin hitting skin is all that is needed to mend a relationship.

Sometimes eating Triscuits and Easy Cheese in bed, post sex, is all that is needed.

Having Steven use lube, his hand, and a vibrator to bring me to a super intense, out of the norm orgasm is all I needed.

Sometimes making eye contact while his hard cock is moving in and out of my mouth is all we needed.

Several hours and countless orgasms later, I am home. Every inch of my body feels good. My toes feel good. My ears feel good. My eyebrows feel good. My arms feel good. Obviously my pussy feels good.

WE felt good. Together.

We learned a little lesson here folks. Next time there is a conflict, we will put it aside. Have sex. And then revisit it.

I bet you ANYTHING that we could fuck away most issues. If only the rest of my life was so simple...

I am off to dream land...sex stoned, and VERY happy.

Missy loves you Steven.

UPDATE

2009-08-16T23:22:00.000-07:00

First of all, I need to clarify a few things.

Steven did not want this to end. It was me that said that I couldn't do this.

Second, he was very aware the whole time how I felt, and even read my previous post shortly after I wrote it.

Thanks to all of you for the kind words and support, and most of all for rooting for us.

Nothing BIG happened to cause me to feel this way. It was a combination of things. It really started over a week ago when I got the news that a job that I had been working REALLY hard towards fell through. Yes, I have a job, and I am fortunate that it is one that I enjoy and it gives me a ton of flexibility. However, this other thing was something I was interested in, and had gone through a lengthy process for. My realistic side knows that it wasn't meant to be, and that there is a deeper reason for it not working out. That reason may be my kids, Steven, or simply that it wasn't what I am supposed to be doing. HOWEVER, rejection sucks. It also sucks that I had tried so hard. And from a financial standpoint, it would have enabled me to be less dependent on my husband financially.

Last Saturday I helped a family friend with her wedding. I had the bachelorette party and the rehearsal dinner the two evenings before, and had to suck it up at the rehearsal because I had just found out about the job and was devastated. BY THE WAY...STEVEN WAS A SWEETIE AND MET WITH ME AFTER THE REHEARSAL, WHERE WE PROCEEDED TO GET A FEW DRINKS AND HAVE SEX AT THE SWINGER'S CLUB WHILE BEING WATCHED...THE ENTIRE TIME...WAY HOT! The man knows how to cheer me up!

Anyway, the wedding was hard. Not only did I work my ass off that day, but the reception was an opportunity for all that is wrong with my marriage to be really obvious. Weddings are fun, romantic, and when you are married to someone that doesn't want a part of that ambiance, it sucks. There all of the couples were dancing, and I busied myself with taking pictures because he wouldn't dance. He left early "because the kids were tired" which was really just an escape. It was just really hard to be there with him. I spent the evening texting Steve about how I knew that going to a wedding with him would be so much fun.

Then, the vacation. My mother in law is aware that our marriage is not going so great, so I felt like I needed to be on my best behavior. No need to start family drama. My kids are absolute blessings, and I loved the time with them. I even had fun with my husband, kicking his butt at Yahtzee and such. Overall, it was a good time. However, I missed Steven, and felt that it was putting a strain on us because I had limited contact with him.

So...that has been my week. And now I am home, and facing the reality. Back to work at a job that I had been pretty checked out of because I was hopeful about the prospect of a different job. I have two weeks before my kids start school again. I have a friend that is having a baby this week. A sister that is getting married in three weeks. Lots to be thankful for, lots to be excited for.

Steven and I will be okay. We are already on the road to being okay. We need to work through some things. We need to talk, and to listen. We need to hold each other. The physical aspect of our relationship is essential to the rest. This may not be the best thing, but it is the truth. When we are physically connected, the rest seems okay.

I take full responsibility for what has happened with us the past two days. We are both accountable for different things. We both screwed up. However, I was the one that wasn't in a good place. I was the one that was overwhelmed. I was the one that was not okay.

Tomorrow is a new day. A new week. Regardless of what kind of shit we get ourselves into, we always find a way out. ALWAYS. I am quick to want to quit. I know this. It is my protective instinct. There is a reason I have held back in so many areas of my life. FEAR OF FAILURE. So when things are rough, hard, and feel like too much, my instinct is to walk away.

Yet, I am a fighter on so many levels as well. And more than anything, I want to be with Steven. I want to continue this journey towards becoming US. There is so much that I look forward to with him. Things I want to do with him, experience with him. I want to know his kids, for him to know mine. I want to be married. I want to travel. I want to wake up next to him, and fall asleep next to him. I want to have our lives so intertwined that it is hard to remember a time when it was any different.

We will get there. I know that.

We love each other way to much to not make this happen.

FALLING...APART

2009-08-16T09:45:00.000-07:00

My apologies in advance to those of you that were anticipating a steamy, sex filled, post vacation blog entry.

I don't have one.

I am not as tough as I would like to think.

And right now, I am not keeping it together.

This vacation was hard. Very hard. I looked at every moment and thought of it as a "last". I thought about my kids enjoying this same vacation next year, with their father and grandparents, but not me.

I enjoyed the time with my kids. Even enjoyed most of the time with my husband and in laws.

And I missed Steven like crazy. I ached for him. Wanted to feel him. Kiss him. Hold him. Be there WITH him. I wanted to walk on the beach holding his hand. I wanted to listen to the ocean while lying in bed with him.

Soon I told myself. Soon. Our time together for real is coming SOON.

And then the past day has been one big cluster fuck. I am sitting here, stunned. My stomach hurts. My head hurts. My heart hurts.

We are both just so fucking needy. What started as me needing reassurance and comfort turned into 24+ hours of bickering. Hurting each other.

Now, realize that there are two sides to every story, and this is MY side. Steven is more than welcome to post on here too.

However, I am hurt beyond what I am able to articulate. I JUST NEEDED HIM TO SAY "IT'S OKAY SWEETIE. WE CAN DO THIS. ONE MORE DAY. NO NEED TO FEEL INSECURE, NO NEED TO WORRY ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP."

I needed him to understand that I wasn't trying to shut him out, but that I was trying to avoid conflict.

I needed him to understand. Yes...it is hard to be the one left at home when the other is on vacation. However, having done both sides of this now, it is harder to be away in my opinion. It was hard to have down time that I am not used to, but to have it surrounded by family.

Long story short, shit hit the fan last night. I am not getting into details, but the bottom line is that I CAN'T DO THIS. I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I am teetering a fine line with my sanity.

I love Steven. He has stolen my heart in a way that no one has ever done. He has taught me so much. I am nuts about him. Sexually I felt that I had met my match. He knows more about me than anyone ever has. I trust him with anything and everything.

I want this so bad. I want him so bad.

I want us so bad.

I can't do this right now though. It pains me to say that.

So I am trying to figure this out. How CAN this work? Can I change something so I feel more balanced? Can I become thicker skinned so that I am better fit for this lifestyle? How can I remember everything? Not cry about it all? Not want so much? Not be so insecure? Or jealous? Or needy? He tells me plans and the next day I don't know what he said. I am the most organized person, and I can't keep this together. I frustrate him. I piss him off. I see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice.

I am falling apart.

I know what I need and want, and I can't figure out how to have it.

I am so sad. So so sad. I want to close my eyes and wake up to this being a dream. I want to wave a wand and have it be better. I want the hurt that is burning deep within me to stop.

I am falling apart.

H.N.T. - BLOWING A KISS TO THE MAN I MISS

2009-08-13T17:35:00.000-07:00

I am out of town for several days...with the family at the beach. While it is nice to have this time with my kids (the in laws and my husband are here too), I MISS STEVE LIKE CRAZY. I just sent him this pic on my phone...I am blowing him a kiss.

6 KIDS PEOPLE. 6 KIDS.

2009-08-10T13:11:00.000-07:00

We have had been asked several questions from readers lately, and instead of commenting individually, I am going to answer them in this post. While most of these have been addressed in previous posts, I realize that newer readers may not have read everything.

1) How do we manage to find so much time together?

We both have flexible job situations. While Steve has a set schedule, he is in a profession where having late meetings and appointments is not unreasonable, and this allows him the ability to use this as an excuse. I work part time, pick my own schedule, and have the ability to come and go as I please the majority of the time. This gives me a tremendous amount of freedom. I also have a handful of friends that make good "excuses", and one of them is aware of my situation and would vouch for me in a heartbeat. I also have a few things that I volunteer time to, and I am able to fudge this a bit as well to allow for more time with Steven. We also work very close to each other, so this makes things like lunch in the park, or quick drop in visits possible. I love this!!

2) Do our spouses suspect anything?

My husband and I have been on the rocks for awhile now. He is aware of 2 of my previous affairs, and prior to meeting Steven, we were seriously discussing divorce. Right now we are at a point where we have agreed that leaving each other is inevitable, but for the sake of our kids and for other reasons (financial), we have decided that separating right this second is not the best situation. Due to the issues that we have had, we came to an agreement a few months ago. We basically have agreed to turn a blind eye to anything that the other is doing, as long as we aren't hurting anyone or being blatant about it. This is really a one sided agreement, as my husband has not expressed any desire to have a relationship with anyone else, yet he knew that he was unable to meet my needs and had no qualms in agreeing to this. If he were to want to pursue something on the side, I would be supportive. Divorce is in our future, but why should we be miserable in the interim? I believe that he is aware that I am having an affair right now. He hasn't asked, nor has he said anything, but he knows me well enough to know that I need more sex than he is providing. This combined with other behavior patterns should paint the picture for him. As far as Steven goes, I don't think that his wife suspects anything. I think that she is grasping the fact that their marriage is in trouble and beyond repair. I think that there may be things that have made her wonder, and there may be things that one that is more in tuned to infidelity would spot from a mile away. However, I think that while things may have not added up here or there, that she believes that Steven is unhappy, and that is the bulk of any issues. The bottom line is that we are both very meticulous about covering our bases, protecting each other, and being smart about our relationship. The goal is that no one gets hurt!

3) Will we leave our spouses?

YES. We have set some goals and time lines, and continually talk about what we want, where we are headed, and how we will get there. While I have really disclosed almost everything in this blog, I won't give out our time lines and goals specifically. It is very personal to me. This is nothing to be taken lightly, and is more complicated than anything I have ever dealt with. We have 6 kids between the two of us, and the ultimate goal is to do this in a way that impacts our kids the least amount possible. We also do not want to screw our spouses over either. They need time to adjust to the thought of this, and we want our ducks in a row. We both have financial goals that we want to accomplish, and while divorce is not an easy thing, we want it to be as easy as possible. The ultimate goal is to impact our kids minimally, maintain good relationships with our current spouses, and do this in a way that isn't ugly. The truth is that we both married people that we shouldn't have. We married people that aren't what we need. They are both good people, with good qualities, and are good parents to our kids. Our goal is for both of us to peacefully untangle ourselves.

4) Where do we see ourselves in the future?

There is no doubt in my mind that we will be together forever. There is no doubt in my mind that we will get married. I have known very few things with such certainty in my life, but this is one of them. We have set some goals for this, thrown some dates out there, and obviously this is all dependent how easy leaving our current situations ends up being.

We appreciate all of our readers, the comments, and the questions. Ask away! This is our journey, and we are glad that you are along for the ride.

Steve & Missy

NAKED THERAPY

2009-08-06T22:40:00.000-07:00

The other night we got a hotel room and spent the evening essentially naked, watching TV, eating pizza, and doing what we do best...loving on each other.

We had our normal fun...played around with some new toys that I had picked up...got all slimy with some new lube.

I commented to Steven at one point that I love something about us. That something is that we can bring things like vibrators to bed, we can do things like pleasure ourselves in front of each other, and neither one of us ever feel threatened. We want the other person to feel good, and if their hand or something that requires batteries is what they need at that moment, then we are all for it.

Early in the evening Steven had joked that we should try to have lame sex just to see if it was possible. Could we have sex that wasn't AMAZING?

I am not sure how we started doing this, but we essentially reenacted what sex with our spouses is like.

I went first, and directed Steven. I told him what my husband does. What he doesn't do. And he did it. At first I was giggly and thought it was weird, but I could see that he was intently trying to understand the experiences that have been a norm in my house for years, so I mellowed out and took my director's job seriously.

Then it was time to switch. This was HARD. He told me what his wife would be doing, saying, and how she would be doing or saying it. I had no issues telling him how my husband would be, and no issues with him reenacting it. I am used to it.

It about killed me to be doing what she would do. To tell him no. To not really kiss back. To not want more. To not want. He was a way better director than I had been, down to the detail, and very serious.

It hurt my heart. It hurt me to see what he has had for years and years. Here is this wonderful man that is the complete package. An amazing, generous, sexy, exciting lover. A hard working, motivated, successful man. A good father. Someone with a broad range of interests, skills, talents. Someone that is so damned adorable and good looking. Someone that is funny, compassionate, adventurous, and kind. Someone that has done some amazing things in his life, dealt with some really hard things, and all of those experiences have made him into someone that you want to get to know...he reaches out and connects with people in a way that I admire so much.

When we were done with our acting, we settled into Steve and Missy lovemaking. And I am on top of him, fighting back an orgasm (I love holding out as long as I can), and I look into his eyes. Look at his sweet face. And I start to cry. Part of it is sadness for the pain that we have both experienced within our marriages, and part of it is from happiness that we have found each other.

It crossed both of our minds that we were nuts for doing this, but agreed that it was beneficial. We both got a really good idea of what the other has dealt with. It was therapeutic. Eye opening. And another level in which we have opened ourselves up to the other person.

When I asked Steven about it the next day, and whether or not he had any feelings on this experience last night, he replied that he felt it was good. He also said that these situations led us to each other, and that the glass is half full. We need to focus on the positive that has come from these crappy marriages. The biggest positives being our kids, and leading us to each other.

I admire his upbeat, positive attitude more than I let on.

Here is the lesson to this story...

If you are in a relationship, and YOU are the cause of less than ideal sex, STEP IT UP or STEP ASIDE.

You NEVER KNOW when your lame sexual behavior will be reenacted by your significant other, with someone else as a willing co-star.

SEX ON FIRE

2009-08-05T12:31:00.000-07:00

We always have great sex. ALWAYS.

Sometimes it is short and sweet. Sometimes fast and intense. Sometimes long and experimental. Sometimes it is sweaty and purely physical. Sometimes it is heartfelt and has emotions connected to it that I can't even begin to articulate.

The wonderful thing about us is that it is always good, and we are always willing and eager partners. The worst of days can happen, but if we can just get our mouths to meet, it is all better. There is no talking that needs to occur. No asking. We never ask the other if it is okay, because it is always okay. It is always okay for our bodies to enjoy each other. When we have talked about ending our relationship when things have been rough, Steven always comes back to the fact that we could never be "just friends", and I am getting that. He is right. There is no way that we could have a relationship that didn't involve sex.

Last night we went to dinner, and then went to the hot tub place. Steven has concocted a "sex bag" complete with toys, lube, a camera, toiletries, etc. and I just love this.

We got a hot tub for an hour, and went in our room and stripped. Steven turned on some music, dimmed the lights, and joined me in the water.

Our lips immediately went for each other, and thus began a 40 minute, seriously great sex session.

You know how even though it is always good, sometimes it is just STUNNING? This was last night. STUNNING. I always know that it has been that way by how I feel afterwards. I have my sex stoned, big words are hard for me to pronounce, giddiness going on.

There is something about water that is sexy. It feels sexy. Limbs wrapped around each other in water feel sexy. I caved and decided that keeping my hair dry was pointless (this was a BIG step...I am a high maintenance kind of girl), and wet hair is sexy. The seamless way in which you can change positions while having sex in water is sexy.

Steven has this amazing gift of "deep sea diving" that sends shivers through my body...he gets me in just the right position, and holds his breath and proceeds to let his mouth do amazing things to my pussy. A little lube, my finger in his ass, and his cock in my mouth made for a delicious combo. Having my arms and legs wrapped around him while he moved in and out of me at the perfect tempo was ecstasy. I could not get enough, I wanted to feel every inch of him filling me up, and I was riding him with fervor.

He makes me feel pretty. Sexy. Desired. Hot. And when I feel that way, there is no hesitancy. No self consciousness. No holding back. If me leaning over the edge of the hot tub with my ass in the air is what he wants, he gets it. If he wants to lick every inch of me, great! If we want to slip, slide, and fling our connected bodies around in the water, you had better believe we will do it, and do it well.

We were all over each other with such intensity. Tons of eye contact, lots of kissing, biting, nibbling, sucking, and licking. It was ridiculously hot!

After countless mind blowing orgasms (the ones that sneak up on me are INSANE...being a control freak I like to have some control over "letting" myself let go, and when it just HAPPENS, holy shit!), I was ready for Steven to cum, and a GREAT song came on.

I had found this song when Steven and I were first together....Kings Of Leon: Sex On Fire.

And I really really really like it. So does Steven.

Lay where you're laying, don't make a sound
I know they're watching, they're watching
All the commotion, the kiddie like play
Has people talking, talking

You, your sex is on fire

SO...what happens next is almost surreal. Euphoric. Steven's thrusting increases, I am looking in his eyes and watching his perfect body doing perfect things with me. He gets this amazing intense look on his face pre-orgasm, and it melts my heart.

The dark of the alley, the breaking of day
The head while I'm driving, I'm driving
Soft lips are open, knuckles are pale
Feels like you're dying, you're dying

You, your sex is on fire
Consumed with what's to transpire

He says to me with authority that he wants to cum in my mouth. AND DON'T SWALLOW he tells me very seriously. Hmmmm....I am wondering what he is wanting to do...I have a suspicion, but I never know with Steve. For all I know he wants to hear me gargle it or something.

Hot as a fever, rattling bones
I could just taste it, taste it
If it's not forever, if it's just tonight
Oh, it's still the greatest, the greatest, the greatest

When it's time, he pulls out and stands up, where I surround his throbbing cock with my lips and allow my mouth to be filled. And like instructed, I DO NOT SWALLOW.

When he is done, he carefully removes his hard cock from me and brings his mouth to mine, where he carefully takes his cum from my mouth to his, lets it stay there a moment, and feeds it back to me.

You, your sex is on fire
And you, your sex is on fire
Consumed with what's to transpire

And you, your sex is on fire
Consumed with what's to transpire

SO-FUCKING-HOT-I-CAN-NOT-STOP-THINKING-ABOUT-THIS-I-WANT-TO-DO-THIS-AGAIN-AMAZINGNESS.

I swallowed and immediately kiss him.

Damn it I love him.

If that isn't SEX ON FIRE I am not sure what is.

T.M.I. TUESDAY

2009-08-04T16:01:00.000-07:00

1. Family is...wonderful, stressful, fun, drama. All of it. You love your family because they are family, but some of my most challenging relationships are with those genetically tied to me. I want my children to grow up knowing that a family is what you make it, that you don't have to be related to someone for them to be family, and that the more people that you have around you that love and cherish you the better life is.

2. Friends are...complicated. I need my girlfriend time now and then, but my true friends in this world aren't who I would call my best girlfriends. I have a co-worker that has shown more support and trustworthiness to me than some of my best friends. My youngest sister is a best friend and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for her. And Steven has turned into my one and only best friend in this world. He knows everything there is to know about me, and loves me unconditionally. I tell him everything, trust him with anything, and feel the best when I am with him.

3. Exes are good...learning experiences. I have figured out what I like, don't like, and how a perfect relationship would look to me. Exes are like experiments...you can't be mad if the results aren't what you expected. Live, love, and learn.

4. Strangers...make me nervous. I am skeptical of people that I don't know. I hold back, and resist getting to know people. You would have thought I would know better by now, because when I do get over this and get to know someone, I am always happy that I have done so.

5. Relationships are scary when they seem too good to be true.

Bonus: My first love was when I was 13. He was my first serious boyfriend, my first kiss. He was pretty developed for being 13...puberty wise that is. And he was sexually knowledgeable to a point that is alarming looking back on it. We had been together a few weeks when he kissed me and I thought it was the best feeling ever. A kissing addict was born that day in December of 1991. The physical aspect of our relationship escalated...he had parents that were way too trusting and left us alone way too much. He taught me how to give a blow job. He went down on me. We messed around like crazy, we got along great, and I LOVED HIM. We would talk about how we wanted to get married in 10 years...after college when we were 23. He had an honest to goodness mullet, braces, and lips that made me crazy. It is interesting that still, what turns me on most about a guy is his mouth and the area around his mouth. His parents smoked, and I loved to borrow clothes from him, and fall asleep breathing in the smell of him lightly laced with the smell of cigarettes. Also worth noting that smoking has never bugged me, and a yummy smelling guy that smells faintly of cigarettes is a turn on to me. In May of 1992 I lost my virginity to him (using 3 condoms...better safe than sorry). It was a one time deal, and through unfortunate circumstances (7th grade girls can be backstabbing bitches) our parents found out. Our relationship fizzled out from that point, ending a few months later. We were so used to being able to do whatever, and now we were under lock and key and watched like hawks. Playing video games when I knew how much I loved sucking cock wasn't cutting it. We had a rough few months once school started, typical teenage drama, but eventually remained friends, and when I have seen him as an adult here and there with our spouses it is all very friendly.

Someday it would be nice to thank this person for making my first sexual experience one that wasn't unpleasant, and I think that he should be thanked for teaching me to love the feeling of a hard cock in my mouth and the taste of hot cum running down my throat.

CHRONICALLY HORNY?

2009-07-31T21:27:00.000-07:00

Steven made the statement this week that conflict makes me horny.

Now, whether or not that is true is a matter of opinion. I am sure that his logic was that despite several conflicts between us this past week, I can't seem to get enough sex.

Last Saturday we had a crazy evening with great sex.

Sunday I went by his office for a nice desk fuck when he got off work.

Monday I masturbated thinking about him.

Tuesday we had a snarky conversation on the phone, and then I got off the phone and masturbated. And then proceeded to tell him about it.

Wednesday I met him at a hotel room...I was under the covers in thigh highs, garters, and a corset type top when he arrived. Yeah...that stayed on all of 2.58 seconds. I don't think that Steven quite understood that it takes TIME to put all of that stuff on. There should be a law that if it takes 17 minutes to put it on, you have to leave it on at least 17 minutes. Ohhhhh the torture that would bring....after a round of hot, intense sex, we went to dinner and came back. We had a wonderful couple of hours cuddling, laying together, and of course an amazing hour of sex...we simply could not get enough of each other. I had some seriously intense orgasms, and by the end I had cum so many times that the last one was a struggle...one that I wouldn't give up on though. It is NEVER too much.

Thursday I was home alone, mentally recapping the week's sexcapades, and naturally that aroused me, and being one to take full advantage of the empty house, well....yeah, I let some fingers wander into my warm wetness, and fingered myself. While NOTHING replaces a hard cock, sometimes the slow softness of my own fingers produces such a different orgasm that it is nice. Sometimes the hard aggressiveness of my hand produces an even different orgasm. It's nice to play around with this now and then.

So...here we are. Friday. One would think that I would feel immensely satisfied sexually. This afternoon I was organizing my bedroom and I found a washcloth that Steven had sprayed his cologne on for me. I held it to my face and breathed it in. Electric feelings surged to my pussy and all of a sudden I could feel my pulse in my clit. I looked at the clock. The kids were playing downstairs. I had to leave in 5 minutes for a hair appointment. I locked my bedroom door, laid on the bed, and touched myself while smelling Steve's cologne. No joke, it was a 2 minute deal. Crazy how the smell of him did that to me, and crazy that I am chronically horny for some reason.

Here is what I am going to do now. I am going to book a hotel room for tomorrow night. My darling Steven has arranged a night away. And I was going to be out anyway, which is perfect, because since I live in the boonies, it isn't unreasonable to crash at a friend's house after drinking...nor is it unreasonable to use this as a reason to not come home. And then I am going to wait. Stay busy. Try to avoid clock watching. And I am going to warn Steven that despite a week of great sex and masturbation, that I am needing more. More of HIM.

Thankfully, he matches my sex drive. Thankfully he is always willing, eager, and horny himself. I have never, ever, ever, ever been with a guy that can go and go and go again, and last and last and last some more. And now I have a guy like this and it ROCKS. Better still, he always finds it hot when I tell him about pleasuring myself. I love this too.

Here is my alarming thought of the week. I have read up on when a woman hits her sexual peak. And everything that I have read states 30-40, but mid thirties was pretty common.

What if that is true? What if this gets WORSE? I am 30. What if at 35 I am a raging crazy nympho that knocks down Steven and RAPES him? I guess you can't rape the willing, but still...the thought ALARMS ME that I could want even more sexual gratification.

And then I remember. I have been deprived. I have had years of not enough sex. Years of not good enough sex. And now I have it. I have a wonderful sex life with a wonderful man. So OF COURSE I want it more! He shows me new things, takes me to new levels of enjoyment. I miss him when we are apart, so I think about him, and about us, and that is arousing. NO WONDER I AM CHRONICALLY HORNY.

Back to the thought that conflict causes me to be horny. You know, as much as I hate to admit it, there is a smidgen of truth to that. Steven stands up to me. Fights back. Puts me in my place. Fights a good fight. Fair? Not always, but neither am I. So yes, this may turn me on a bit. I am married to MR. MELLOW-SMILE-AND-NOD-AVOID-CONFLICT-HIDE-FEELINGS. And it gets old. Fast. So when Steven and I disagree, or pick at each other for whatever reason, it may just make me want to fuck him that much more.

If we were under the same roof right now, we quite possibly could become the most unproductive couple EVER. Who needs to do housework when you can have sex? Isn't having sex a legitimate reason to miss work? Can kids go to bed at 4 pm? Would my friends understand if I had to cancel plans with them to have sex? Would I use safeway.com for groceries so that the time I would use actually going to the store could be used for sex? I am sure I could shop for clothes online while being fucked from behind...and Steven could enjoy a blow job while making work calls, right?

I could go on and on. While writing this, something has occurred to me though. MY BODY IS GREAT. I have battled my own body my entire adult life. I have battled weight. Health issues. Defects. More stupid issues than anyone my age should have dealt with. AND THIS SAME BODY IS GIVING ME IMMENSE PLEASURE EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND. How can I be mad at that? The same body that threw a surprise surgery my way 4 months ago today is making me smile. I LOVE IT. I love how much I enjoy sex, and the way my body and Steven's bodies are together.

And that silly question that I ALWAYS ASK Steven during sex..."Why does it feel so good?"...will ALWAYS have the same answer.

Because it's us.

H.N.T. - ONCE UPON A TIME

2009-07-30T00:15:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time there was a girl named Missy that met a man named Steve in the most random, surprising way. Within minutes she knew he was special. Within hours she knew she had made a new friend. Within days she couldn't wait to see where this relationship would go. Within weeks there was no doubt that she loved him. Within a month she knew that she had met her soul mate. JUST WHAT SHE WAS LOOKING FOR. And six months later, cuddling into his neck and breathing him in is still as amazing as the first day they met.

LOOK ALL YOU WANT HONEY, BUT HE IS MINE

2009-07-27T14:52:00.000-07:00

So...nothing heals hurt feelings like great sex, right?

Like I said in my previous post, we met up Saturday night. Yes, we had our "white trash parking lot scene" in front of the Swinger's Club...this was the result of me being pouty and Steven being a brat (okay, I was being a brat too). And in the heat of our retarded dispute, I looked up at him (I was sitting on the curb) and LAUGHED. Uncontrollably LAUGHED. And Steve laughed. And we COULD NOT STOP LAUGHING! He grabbed my hand, we got in my van, and went to get more drinks, still laughing at HOW STUPID AND STUBBORN we both are. SERIOUSLY. We truly deserve each other.

Prior to this stupid fight, we had gone to dinner and arrived at the Swinger's Club. Going there allows us to have a sexual atmosphere, a private room, watch people doing all kinds of things, snacks, and just be together for $40.00. Hell of a deal versus a hotel room. We went in, wandered around a bit, and went to a private room a lot sooner than we normally would. WE NEEDED EACH OTHER. We needed to reaffirm our commitment to each other in a sexual way. Nothing heals the wounds of a fight like a good fuck.

We both needed it. Bad. I wanted it ALL...sometimes my body frustrates me because I can't figure out what I need. I told him to lick me, I had the URGENT FEELING that I needed to feel his warm mouth on my pussy. It was really odd for me to feel this so desperately. The great thing about us is that there is no hesitation. We both have no qualms in asking for something. We want to meet each other's needs, we want to make each sexual encounter exactly what the other person needed it to be.

We tossed and turned and switched around quite a bit, just not able to get enough of each other. We kissed and touched and grabbed and tasted and held and fucked and thoroughly enjoyed the way our bodies make us feel when they are together.

Sweaty, thirsty, and satisfied, we left (insert parking lot scene). After getting another round of drinks, we went back to the Swinger's Club. There was more action going on...sex in hot tubs, LOTS of naked people. At one point I was thoroughly enjoying watching a guy performing oral sex on a woman in front of everyone. I whispered to Steven that I wanted to touch her boobs, he said GO FOR IT, but I was too chicken. Maybe another time...

I wanted to give Steven a blow job right in front of people, but he wasn't feeling it...he later said that he wished he would have said yes. We met a few people, there was a lady that was there with her husband that was seriously checking Steven out. I like this...but my arrogant snotty side wants a t-shirt that says something like LOOK ALL YOU WANT HONEY, BUT HE IS MINE. Can you tell that we are not "lifestyle" people? I mean, we have our freaky sides, we have TALKED about dabbling in a few different scenarios, but neither one of us has any interest in SWAPPING. I can't with certainty say that we never will...I mean, in 6 months with Steven I have done things that I would have NEVER IMAGINED. So, never say never. He likes the idea of another woman with me, this is something that I would be open to. Basically, we are on a case by case, day by day, conversation by conversation basis. The appeal with joining a Swinger's Club for us was the environment, we both have voyeuristic tendencies, we both have exhibitionist tendencies (even TYPING THIS is hard for me because I still have not fully wrapped my mind around the fact that I really have enjoyed being watched). It also gave us a place to go where we could be alone, have sex, and be together. I have also recently expressed a desire to really watch another couple, and this is something that we are exploring. I want to watch another couple, start to finish, have sex. REALLY WATCH. It would be nice if they were both somewhat appealing to me, but that isn't super important. I just think it would be REALLY HOT.

So...we basically spent the rest of the evening getting really aroused, and at this point it was crazy late, we had both been drinking, and we decided to get a hotel room. HUGE ISSUE...there was some event going on and everything was booked! It was 3 am and we are WANDERING trying to find a stupid hotel room! Crazy. We finally did (shout out to the Clarion for being reasonable, high quality, and a great deal).

We showered, and got into bed damp, naked, sleepy, and horny. Great combo! And thus began a contortionist event that rivals the best directed porn out there. I was really in the mood to have my hand working my clit, which isn't my norm. I just had the urge! I kept apologizing to Steven, and he kept telling me to knock it off. I just feel bad when I do that, like he isn't enough. I have no problem having an orgasm (or several) from penetration alone. I don't need the clitoral stimulation to get off. When I am masturbating, this is the fastest, easiest way for me to take care of business. With a partner though, I rarely do this, it isn't necessary. That night though I just wanted that little extra something that playing with myself adds to sex.

We were going at it in every way possible, and at one point Steven had his fingers in me while I touched myself. I wanted more fingers! Please! It wasn't working with me being on all fours, in this position a couple of fingers felt like too much. I laid on my back, and with the help of some lube, Steven had four fingers working on me while I rubbed my clit. I had my left hand playing with his ass that was up in the air, and he had his left hand stroking his cock. He was backing into my lubed finger and I have to say this was incredibly hot. In this crazy combination of pleasuring ourselves and each other simultaneously, in the most awkward looking position ever (seriously a heap of extremities, genitals, and lube) we both had intense orgasms within seconds of each other. Steven came on my stomach, and here is the best part...

He gently licked up his cum and fed it to me with his mouth. HEAVEN. Seriously I find this so hot that words can't describe it. He tried this with me for the first time last week and my adrenaline was flowing to the point that I could have went for a run afterwards...and my ass DOES NOT RUN. Seriously, it turned me on something crazy. And there was such a sweetness to it. He was leery, and not too wild about it, but knew that it was something that I would enjoy. From his standpoint, he has a bit of a cum phobia, but he is working through it. In all honesty, his cum tastes amazing, and if it didn't I wouldn't want him doing this. However, I have tasted a guy or two and know that his is tasty, so it is great that he is trying this for me.

Anyway, after our contortionist masturbation/sex/teamwork event, it was some unreal hour in the morning, and we crashed. Waking up next to Steven and running my fingers up and down his bare back was exquisite. Laying in bed while he showered, ironed his work clothes, and got ready to leave was blissful. His sweet lips meeting mine as he kissed me goodbye was precious.

It is times like this that remind me why I am doing this. What I have gotten myself in to. What I have signed up for. We need each other. We are so good together. We complete each other. And when we are having stupid disputes over stupid things, I secretly like the fact that he has a backbone. That he stands up to me. Puts me in my place. Can hold his own. I have HATED being the dominant personality within my marriage. I have HATED knowing that I could push my husband around if I wanted to.

I am LOVING the fact that I have met my match...someone that can have a trashy parking lot fight with me, someone that can match my sexual appetite, someone that tell me to knock it off when I need to be told that.

And most of all, someone that loves me unconditionally. Someone that knows me in ways that other people don't.

Someone that I am crazy about.

KISS IT AND MAKE IT BETTER

2009-07-26T11:23:00.000-07:00

As always, we are behaving as our normal, volatile selves, and paying the price for it.

I used to be okay with the thought of Steven sleeping with his wife. It happens so infrequently. I am confident in myself, and in our relationship. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel like it is a competition. There is one thing, one BIG THING though that she has, and I don't.

She is MARRIED to him.

We have had our share of disputes regarding ME having sex with my husband. I understand each and every one of the issues. My husband has gotten sex with me when he pleases, regardless of what is going on, how I feel, etc. It is rarely good sex. It rarely lasts more than 10 minutes. It is a struggle for him to maintain an erection sometimes, and other times he is battling premature ejaculation. I know that Steven thinks that I am too accommodating. He thinks that my husband doesn't appreciate what he has. There are many more issues, and all of them make sense.

I have had a nonchalant attitude about Steven's sex life with is wife. I haven't cared too much. There are days that I don't want to hear about it, but overall I haven't cared.

This past week has been a week for laying ground work. I have had conversations with my mother, sister, and a friend regarding my marriage. I have insinuated to them that things aren't okay. That I am not happy. Most importantly, I have had a good conversation with my husband. A conversation that was along the lines of the fact that we are both unhappy, that we both deserve to be happy, and that we need to work together to be the best parents possible to our children while sorting things out and moving our own directions. And later that night when I saw him looking through picture albums, it was like a knife to my heart. Strangely, he looked peaceful. Accepting. Okay. However, he knows. I know. We have both known. We don't have a "marriage". We have a good partnership. A good arrangement. And we both should have so much more.

And I was feeling AMAZING. As if I could see this happening. As if I was finally headed in the right direction. And Steven and I were on the same page. We have set some obtainable, realistic goals. We aren't jumping into anything, we aren't being stupid. We aren't setting ourselves up for failure. Instead we are setting ourselves up for happiness, and success. We are realizing that we aren't getting any younger, and that each day is a gift and that we need put ourselves first for once.

So after days of hard conversations, after a week of accomplishments, I was feeling pretty damn good.

And Friday morning I get a text message from Steven while driving my kids to the dentist. It told me that he had sex with his wife last night.

I damn near lost it. Here I am, driving kids, on the freeway, going 80 MPH, and I start crying. I want to throw my phone in the river. I want to scream.

Here I am, working towards moving FORWARD, and he is FUCKING HER?

And it isn't that he had sex with her, it was that he had told me something, and did something completely different. And while I won't get into the details, I was not okay. I have said over and over to Steven that I AM DOING THIS RIGHT THIS TIME. No lies. No deception.

What evolved from this bloody text message was a day and a half of misery. Tears. Conversations. Heated text messaging wars. Silent treatments. Mean words flung around. I was done. I really was. I decided that I couldn't do this. That I couldn't handle the stress. The pain. That I would rather lose him than share him. That the thought of him with HER made me violently nauseous. I could NOT DO THIS.

So I told him so. It was D.O.N.E. done. If we both became untangled from our existing situations, great. I could do this. However, I had hit a wall. I couldn't share him. I couldn't do this. I love him too much, want him too bad, am too selfish.

I knew that I hurt him. I didn't care. He had hurt me. He had said one thing to me, and did something completely different. I can't stop him from having sex to the one that he is legally bound to. The one that he shares a bed with. HOWEVER, don't DO THIS TO ME! Don't TEXT ME about having sex with her when you KNOW that I have been working towards US and OUR FUTURE all week.

I agreed to meet him last night. And I had no intention of anything other than getting a drink and dinner, and talking. Figuring out how to move forward from this. Closure. I was seriously walking away. I didn't even shave *down there* all that perfect because I WAS NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING WITH HIM.

We were immediately fighting. We met at a grocery store parking lot, where we were just attacking each other for lame things. It was so so stupid. We were both emotionally raw, on the verge of tears, and we got in my van and Steve drove to "our lake", which, by the way was DRIED UP due to how hot and dry it has been.

We were sitting next to each other, it was hot, dry, dusty, there were people around, planes overhead, a train in the distance. Steve leans over and kisses me. And kisses me. And kisses me. And I kissed back. My hand on the back of his neck felt his warm skin, and it was if I was floating. IT WAS OK. I WAS GOING TO BE OK. WE WERE GOING TO BE OKAY. His hand wandered up my skirt...just enough for me to know that he needed to feel me. That I needed to feel him.

I knew in that moment that I needed to suck it up. Deal. I needed to hold his hand and support him through what he chooses to do. And I need the same from him. He knows the real Missy. He knows all that there is to know about me. He loves me completely. Unconditionally. We need each other. We deserve each other...good and bad. When I am a brat, he is a brat back and we deserve to be with people that can dish out exactly what the are given. We need to be with people that meet us in the middle. We need to be with people that will ALWAYS say yes to sex, will always kiss back, will always hunger for the other no matter how bad it gets.

We had a wonderful evening sprinkled with sex, drinks, food, and adventures. Add a dash of residual anger and frustration and you have a really white trash parking lot scene in front of the Swinger's Club. The details of the sex, and maybe the white trash parking lot scene will follow in another post.

The bottom line is this. I AM SO THANKFUL TO HAVE FOUND SOMEONE LIKE STEVEN. He doesn't give up. He is more stubborn than I am, and I didn't know that was possible. He puts me in my place. He can kiss it and make it all better.

I will never like the idea of him having sex with HER, as he will never like the idea of me having sex with HIM. My mantra is THIS IS TEMPORARY THIS IS TEMPORARY THIS IS TEMPORARY because it is just that. TEMPORARY.

When the time is right, we will be untangled. We will be together. There is NO DOUBT in our minds that this is true.

Sex with spouses is going to happen. It hurts. It is hard. Conflicting. Confusing. So, I am going to choose to look at the big picture. I have nothing to be jealous of. NOTHING. I know where we stand, where we are headed.

And where we are headed is to a place where it ALWAYS feels as good as that kiss did last night. A place where things are sunny, and pretty, and sparkly, and warm, and fuzzy.

Like home.

H.N.T. - MY YUMMY STEVEN

2009-07-23T13:31:00.000-07:00

Mmmmmmmmm....he is yummy isn't he?

TRANQUILITY

2009-07-20T22:15:00.000-07:00

I am not the most relaxed person usually.

My mind is always in a million places, I fidget, I am restless often.

Steven's presence, or the thought of his presence, amps me up sexually.

Sparks fly between us often, some good and some bad.

Yet, for being so sexually exciting to me, for being someone that challenges me, for being someone that makes me think, he also RELAXES ME.

And I so desperately need that. More than I am willing to admit.

I need to mellow out now and then. I need to breathe. I need to slow down.

Tonight we met at a park for a bit. We talked a bit, kissed a bit, and that was pretty much it.

However, at one point, we were sitting on a bench, and I had him sit at one end and I sprawled across the bench with my head on his lap.

He surrounded my face with his arm, and rested his other hand on my forehead.

I kid you not, this was THE MOST RELAXED FEELING I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. No joke. I have had Valium pre-surgery. I have had every pain pill under the sun. I have smoked weed. I have drank. I am a big fan of pedicures and massages.

NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING has ever come close to putting me in such a completely relaxed state. I felt the tension of my fucked up, chaotic life drain out of me. It was heavenly.

Worthy of a blog post? To me it is. This is MY STORY, and I never want to forget how good that felt.

I already knew he was THE ONE. I already knew that he is who I am supposed to be with. I already knew that I am head over heels in love with him.

And now I know that he is capable of MELLOWING ME OUT?

That fact alone will make him adored by my friends and family when his presence becomes known! FINALLY! Someone who can do what NO ONE has been able to do!

I love him so damn much.

A YEAR OF CHANGE

2009-07-18T13:33:00.000-07:00

December 31, 2008...

My husband and I rang in the new year with friends in our small town...we had been invited to a party with them in their neighborhood. The hosts were people we barely knew, but we knew people attending so agreed to go. The kids were all left with a babysitter a few houses down. Why am I recapping New Years? Because I KNEW. I KNEW THAT 2009 WOULD BE A YEAR OF CHANGES. Everyone thinks that, right? Thinks that this will be the year that they lose weight, save more money, etc. I had nothing specific in mind. Yet, I knew.

And as the night went on, as I played board games with a group of people while watching my intoxicated husband make an ass of himself, I KNEW. I was sitting at one end of the table playing Apples To Apples, when I looked up and saw my husband touching this complete stranger (and a prominent community member) more than he had touched me in weeks. And I looked up, with tears in my eyes, and my eyes met the eyes of a man at the other end of the table. I quickly glanced down, embarrassed. While there was NOTHING about his look that was anything but caring, it was the caring aspect that stuck with me. I WANTED TO BE LOOKED AT LIKE THAT...like I was cared about. When this man's teenage son died tragically in a car accident a few months later, my heart ached. You know that the young man was looked at with those same kind eyes his entire (short) life.

The other day I was with Steven, and freakishly my jaw went out of whack and FUCKING HURT. I am one to tear up at Hallmark commercials, or cry when sad/tired/frustrated/sick/hungry/pissed off and much more. However, when something hurts, it is a serious waterworks event. I was sitting there, tears streaming down my face, trying to blubber to Steven what hurt so bad, when I glanced up. With blurry eyes, I looked into his eyes. HIS KIND EYES. As he wiped tears from my face, kindly trying to salvage my eye makeup, he looked at me with such love. Such kindness. JUST WHAT I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED AND NEEDED.

This year has been a blur in a sense, and it is only July. I am thankful for the documentation I have in this blog, because there is so much that I want to remember forever. To think that 6 months ago, Steve was not a part of my life, is SHOCKING. I can't wrap my mind around it.

Several readers have asked about the state of my marriage, his marriage, and our relationship. Things are changing. Things are shifting. We are both trying to get our ducks in a row. I am pursuing (cross your fingers!) a career change that would be stressful and challenging if it pans out. However, it would put me in a place that would be independent of my husband in a work sense, as well as able to take care of myself and kids should the need arise.

Steven is facing challenges himself. His obstacles are different, some harder than mine, some easier. I came to the realization long ago that my marriage was not a marriage. He has only recently realized that, and I know all too well the pain that comes with that discovery. We have children...both of us...a lot if you add ours together...plus financial obligations, the prospect of a job change in my future, the worry of family and friends and their judgements, our churches, and the fact that we are both married to selfish people. People that exist. People that think about the here and now, and their immediate needs. Steven and I aren't like that. We are both big picture, live life to the fullest, giving, daring, passionate, feisty, sexually needy people. Hot headed brats at times.

I have NO IDEA what will be going on in my life by the end of this year. I am sure these next several months will bring changes, some good, some hard. To answer the questions about US and where WE are headed, here is what I think.

I think that our existing marriages are in their final acts. I think that if Steven and I can make it through the changes we are facing, that we could make it through anything together. I think that if we were to end our relationship with each other for whatever reason, that I would be devastated, yet a better person than I was before him. In a short time he has taught me so much...more than all of my past relationships combined. He has shown me what real love feels like, and the feeling that I have when I am with him is so amazing I can't even begin to describe it. For example, a few days ago we saw each other in an environment where we needed to be very "acquaintance only" towards each other. And at some point he leans over and quietly says to me that he feels calmer and more relaxed being in my presence. That sums it up...there is an easiness that comes when we are together. It isn't uncommon for one of us to mutter something along the lines of "this feels like home" when we are having sex.

I think that BIG ASS challenges are looming over us, and our families. I think that daily Steve and I are tweaking our relationship to find that perfect balance of what we both need and want. We are listening to each other, figuring out how to best support each other and communicate with each other.

Very early on in our relationship I made a comment to Steven about how in 5 years we would look back on the beginnings of our relationship and laugh at how we met...and he made a comment about how he wanted to be at my children's high school graduations. I think that we both made these comments KNOWING, but not really grasping, or understanding the magnitude of what we were in the early stages of. It is becoming clearer and clearer to me now.

As we approach 6 months of being together, I can't help but wonder what the next 6 months will bring. I am struggling daily to just BE, to just ACCEPT that things happen when they are supposed to and that things happen for a reason. Being a planner and organizer, this is hard. I want to know what my life will look like on New Years Eve of this year. I want to know what my life looks like next February. I want to KNOW.

Instead, I treasure what I do know for certain, and that is this:

- I know that I will always be a good mom, and do the best I can to raise great kids.
- I know that Steven and I need to be together, and will do whatever we can to do so.
- I know that being loved completely and honestly is the best feeling in the world.
- I know that HE is the ONE.

And with that knowledge, I move forward. I support him in moving forward. And I focus on how great we are together. And I look forward to a time where we will look back and say:

IT WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WORTH IT.

H.N.T.

2009-07-15T22:27:00.000-07:00

Steven likes this tank top...I am not sure if I believe it though because the 2 times I have had it on in front of him he took it off. Hmmmmm....

BLOW JOBS, COPS, AND DEEP THOUGHTS FROM THIS WEEK

2009-07-10T18:35:00.000-07:00

We have pushed and finagled our way into seeing each other quite a bit this week. We are both exceptionally needy right now, yet neither one of us is quick to admit it. Sunday was a hard day, we both had the same realization on the 4th of July...HOLIDAYS ARE HARD. Our contact is limited, we want to be together and aren't able to be.

Sunday was a day of choppy conversations, and to be quite honest, some weren't very nice. We were pushing each other's buttons, and not in a good way. Steven was at our "lake" after he got off work...I had said I was going home but changed my mind. I arrived to find him sitting in his car, looking a bit sad. I walked over to him and just held him for dear life. We need to stop this crap, need to stop the petty fights. We are so damned crazy about each other, but if you take two strong personalities, two people that are wild for each other, and mix in the stress of jobs, families, spouses, and REAL LIFE, sometimes we erupt.

We spend the evening talking, walking on our beach, holding hands, and ended the night with a deep conversation about where we are headed. Our marriages. Our lives.

It was draining, yet energizing if that makes any sense. We needed that talk. We needed to hash things out. We needed to be each other's support system because WHO THE HELL ELSE UNDERSTANDS?

We were able to spend some time Monday together as well...and Tuesday was quite possibly a perfect day. We both left work to have a picnic lunch together, and after I met Steven at his office.

Well, can you guess where that led? That's right...from me sucking on his hard cock while he was sitting at his desk, to him bending me over his desk, to being on all fours on the floor, with him going to town behind me, and finally me whipping around just in time to catch his cum...and catch a little on my face too. Yummers!

After that we went to dinner...Chinese food and drinks. We had a nice mellow time, just enjoying each other.

We finished up the night at the Porn Store...getting a preview room after I made Steve choose the porn. I am HORRIBLE at choosing them! I hate it! It stresses me out...all of those naked people staring at me from the shelves, their breasts, and penises, and girl parts taunting me and I JUST CAN NOT MAKE A FUCKING DECISION! Can you tell that this has caused a dispute in our relationship? Steve PROMISED he would choose the movie this time, so I was game!

We got into our room and started our movie. With the sounds of sex as background noise, we slowly teased and loved on each other...I didn't even realize that we were being slow like that until Steven pointed it out after the fact. He is THE MOST OBSERVANT person. Ever.

We slowly escalated the action to include some great slaps (I seriously feel my self getting wetter when his hand makes contact with my cheek) and a bit of choking action. It was hot, sweaty, amazing sex...we stopped at a convenience store afterwards for drinks and snacks...mmmm...I love red Gatorade after great sex...

Wednesday we met up in the evening at our "lake" and just hung out in my minivan. Played around on my laptop, talked, hung out. Time seems to FLY when we are together. When it got dark, I convinced Steven to get in the back seat and let me give him a blow job. He was nervous...even though our "lake" is at the end of a dead end road...it is still a road, and cars sometimes go down it.

I got back there and took him in my mouth. I was really going at it, seriously not thinking, just enjoying. It was great, really great. All of a sudden Steven gasps and says something along the lines of "SHIT! IT'S A COP!"

He zips his pants and I am sitting, SCARED TO DEATH, on the floor of the van. The cop pulls around, and BEAMS HIS SPOT LIGHT IN THE BACK OF MY VAN. I am seriously terrified. I mean, we are in the back of a minivan. My van has a STUDENT OF THE MONTH STICKER from my son's school on it. We are in our 30's. REALLY? This is HAPPENING? I felt the exact same way when I was in a similar situation at 17. WHAT THE HELL? Affairs can REGRESS you in so many ways.

Steven smiled and waved at the cop, who strangely drove off. It took a few minutes for my heart rate to return to normal, and that ended the blow job action for the evening. Damn cop. Really. I was having fun!

I know it sounds amazing the amount of time that we have had together this week. It has been wonderful. It has also highlighted some things, at least for me.

I am avoiding my real life to an extent. I am functioning at a surface level in so many areas right now. I have stresses that are huge...and none have anything to do with Steven. He has the same. We have both agreed that this can't continue like it is. We both had unrealistic expectations of managing this double life for years and years. It is exhausting. It is hard work. It is stressful.

Is it worth it? Yes, right now, yes, it is worth it. Long term can I keep this up? No. I can't. The deeper we get into this, the harder things are. Holidays are harder. When one of us has sex with our spouse it is hard. When our contact is limited it is hard.

What I know to be true, right this minute, is that I am madly in love with Steven. A love like no love I have previously felt. And just when I think I can't possibly love him any more than I do, something shifts and I love him more!

And what I also know, is that my life changed the second I met him. And every second since, even the hard ones, are precious.

I also know that there will be a point that we look back and say IT WAS WORTH IT.

And lastly, I know this...WATCH OUT FOR COPS WHEN GIVING HEAD IN THE BACK OF YOUR MINIVAN!

H.N.T. - IT"S A HEIGHT THING

2009-07-09T07:00:00.000-07:00

It's a height thing that makes sex in various positions and places work for us. It is also a height thing that allows our feet to cuddle after amazing sex.

T.M.I. TUESDAY

2009-07-07T00:00:00.000-07:00

1. Where was the first place you ever had sex?
In the woods behind my boyfriend's house. We were too young...13. And stupid too. We somehow thought that three condoms were better than one. Yes, three at one time.

2. How often do you lie?
Daily. I am having an affair. It goes with the territory. EVERYONE in my life is being lied to right now in some way shape or form, except Steven of course. He knows it ALL.

3. If you could only be one, would you rather be smart or good looking?
Smart. Smart people can figure out how to work with what they have to try to look good at the same time. Smart people also realize that anyone that is worth having in your life will not care what you look like.

4. Have you ever passed out or suffered memory loss from drinking too much?
Yes. It was dumb and irresponsible. Prescription meds that say NO ALCOHOL are nothing to mess around with. And the consequences were embarrassing.

5. Top or bottom?
I go where Steven tells me. It doesn't matter where he wants me, what matters is that it makes me hot when he tells me what to do and where to go.

Bonus: Do you have any catalogs for toys/videos/lingerie delivered to your home?
No. Who needs catalogs when there is the Internet?

HAPPY 4th OF JULY - SEX, SPARKS, AND MAKING OUR OWN FIREWORKS

2009-07-04T13:24:00.000-07:00

We needed each other. More than normal. Steven was on vacation last week, and our time together was much more limited than we are used to.

We got together Tuesday night. I had booked a hotel room, and we decided to order room service and just enjoy our time together. I can not tell you how bad we needed this! We alternated between devouring each other's bodies, eating really great food, watching a bit of TV, and just laying in each other's arms.

The sex was fantastic...it ALWAYS IS, but sometimes it just is particularly mind blowing. We were playing around with new angles, there were a few times when I just felt so good I couldn't even think straight. And Steven was doing something amazing at one point, and it felt SO CRAZY GOOD that I was bordering delusional. He had multiple fingers in me, as many as he could, he might have had one playing with my ass, and one on my clit. It was the most out of control sex feeling that I have ever had. I couldn't do anything but succumb to his fingers and just allow myself to enjoy the intense fire like pleasure that was rushing though my veins. I am totally intrigued by the idea of fisting, and I never have been before. Something about pushing myself to have more in me than I would think is possible is interesting. And I like the feeling of being filled up, hence my preference of having an orgasm with a dick in me. Clitoral orgasms are all fine and dandy, but not ever as good as feeling Steven's hard cock in me while my body spasms around him. Anyway, the sheer pleasure of whatever he was doing with his fingers made me think about this, and may be worth exploring...I haven't talked to Steven about this entirely, so I guess when he reads this I will! The HNT picture (http://wheredoyouwanttoputthat.blogspot.com/2009/07/hnt-foggy-mirror-fun.html) this week is from that evening, I was naked with my hands against the mirror when Steven shot the picture...we had just gotten out of the shower...mmmm...I love showers with him...

Wednesday night we met up for food and drinks, and then went to our beach...MISSY BEACH. There were more people there than previous visits that we have had, but we wandered further down and found some fantastic secluded areas. We missed the sunset, but we will need to go back and watch it from there...with the camera so we can put some pics on here! It was tons of fun just being together, enjoying our beach, the warm weather, and exploring new possibilities of places we want to hang out at together.

I had figured that I wouldn't see Steven again after that for several days...with the 4th of July holiday and all. However, sweet thing that he is, he was able to get away last night and spend some time with me! We started off by going to some restaurant, where I behaved like a total brat and he decided that we should leave. I wasn't trying to be a pain in the ass...probably the fact that I was hungry and the fact that I was just in a needy mood contributed to my attitude. My beef was that we were seated within inches of two other couples. And if we were a "real" couple and had nothing to hide, great, no problem. However, I just really felt like I wasn't going to be able to really talk to him there, and that I was going to feel like I had to have my guard up the entire time. So, we left. Steven was very sweet and understanding, and we went somewhere that we had been to before, somewhere that was less populated and more relaxing to me. We ate dinner, had a few drinks, and just enjoyed being together. We always have such a good time, it is amazing to me how much we just enjoy BEING TOGETHER.

We had been unsure of what to do with the rest of our evening, we both had agreed that having sex would be nice, so we decided to go to the swinger's club that we had joined a few weeks ago.

We arrived, and it was pretty mellow...some girl was dancing with the stripper pole, but not a whole lot of sex action going on. Just mostly everyone hanging out, being mellow. We wandered around a bit, sat and kissed and talked, and then went off to a private room. Being the tease that he is, Steven got me good and worked up, got me off a few times, and then put his clothes back on and promised me that we would finish later. Hell...he had already made me feel great so no worries from me!

We wandered a bit more, there was this couple there and I swear to you that the guy looked young enough to be my son. It was almost disturbing. Steven said it didn't sound like his voice had changed. He was 20, and was there with a 30 year old woman. They were going at it in the shower...poor guy though, he has to be questioned on his age all of the time!

We made our way back to a private room, and proceeded to have amazing hot sweaty sex. I had a skirt on and Steven was entering me from behind and grabbed the skirt and was able to pull me back into a great position. When we switched and I got on top of him, I was riding his dick and he was moving just enough that we had an incredible rhythm going that was almost too good to be true! I licked my fingers, played with my nipples, and gave in to another wonderful orgasm. After we had been going at it awhile, Steven got on top of me and asked if I wanted to swallow. Um..hello? PLEASE!!

He jumped off me just in time for me to take his hot load in my mouth, but this was ONE BIG LOAD. He just kept cumming and cumming and I needed to swallow but knew I would need to move my mouth away for a second. With an audible gulp I let it slide down my throat, yet ended up taking a shot on the side of my face and near my mouth. I caught the rest, and looked up at my sexy man. I could look at him 24/7 and never, ever get tired of it. His features are so perfect, his mouth so delicious, his smile melts my heart. Seriously, the best looking guy EVER. How did I get so lucky?

We cleaned up, got dressed, and left. I simply can not get enough of Steven! I am feeling like I am at a better place right now than I was a few weeks ago. I have had plenty of external stress that has been hard, and I can't begin to describe what a blessing Steven is to me. He knows just what I need to hear, and when. Sometimes I just need him to talk me through something in this mesmerizing, quiet voice that he gets, and all of a sudden everything seems okay. I have such a sense of calm right now with our relationship...I am accepting that what we have is okay for right now. I am at peace because I know that while we have our stupid disagreements here and there, we are solid. We are both strong willed people, and there are obvious sparks between us. Most of the time they are great sparks, sometimes they aren't. I would so rather have the sparks than the smoldering ashes that my marriage has become. And he challenges me. Stands on his own. Pushes me. I need this. I need a strong person. I have stopped feeling panicky about our future, because there is no doubt in my mind that we have a future. And that is all I need to know. I don't need to know what it looks like, when it is, how we will get there. I just need to know that it will happen. And I do.

Lastly, I know without a doubt that Steven will stand by me through anything. He already has. In the short time that we have been together, I have personally had some pretty substantial things happen. One was finding out that I had a cantaloupe sized ovarian cyst only a month into our relationship. He wasn't phased, he simply said something along the lines of "surgery happens" and was there for me through the entire thing. He snuck in to the hospital to see me the night after my surgery, left me sweet messages and emails, snuck over to see me at home when I was released from the hospital. YES...we didn't adhere to the no sex for 6 weeks thing, but we were careful...and it wasn't an issue. I have had some other personal challenges lately, and with his sweet calming voice he has helped me to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel.

I honestly can not see myself with out Steven. He is EXACTLY what I needed and wanted.

Happy 4th of July to all of you...I know that I am so thankful for the one that I make fireworks with as much as possible!

H.N.T. - FOGGY MIRROR FUN

2009-07-02T00:14:00.000-07:00

Aren't mirrors the BEST? We had a wonderful evening in a hotel room Tuesday night...I will post the details soon. Here is just a foggy glimpse of our time together!

BEND ME OVER YOUR DESK AGAIN...PLEASE

2009-06-29T22:43:00.000-07:00

Steve told me early on that he had a work fantasy...one that we needed to take care of.

Being how I am, I enthusiastically agreed! He wanted me in his office and bent over his desk. He wanted to go to work and KNOW that he had fucked me there.

The first time it happened, I arrived when it was after his work hours. I was wearing jeans and a shirt, with a black blazer over it. We kissed and touched and kissed some more, and then I got on my knees while he was sitting in his chair and took his hard cock in my mouth. Mmmmm....

Minutes later he told me to pull down my jeans. YES SIR! He knows that I like it (and am turned on) when he gets bossy. Steven turned me around, bent me over his desk, and slid into me (again...a height thing!). As I felt my own pleasure rapidly increasing, he grabbed my hair and gave my ass a nice slap...and I was lost in that orgasmic place that is indescribable. When I came back to reality, I lifted my face up and looked straight ahead. It was then that I realized what Steven was doing.

He was watching the whole thing in the window that was across from me. Don't worry, it wasn't an outside window...just an office window.

He had an excellent view of me, bent over his desk, while he was thrusting in and out of me. And he LIKED it! And so did I! It was so daring, so naughty, and so hot. To know that he would come in to work the next day and remember my bare ass pressed up against him, my hair in his hand, My upper body sprawled across his desk...how amazing is that!? And just to prove how jaded I am, his family picture staring at me didn't phase me for a second. Hey, I have been honest about my "dark" side, right?

He varied his speed, slower, faster, teasing me to another orgasm. When my legs were literally shaking from feeling so good, he whipped me around and informed me that he wanted to cum in my mouth.

NOT ENOUGH NOTICE THERE STEVEN! My shaky legs, lack of warning, and the fact that I had pants around my ankles slowed me down. I knelt down and had my mouth *this* close to his throbbing cock, just in time to take a nice shot down the front of my jacket. I surrounded him with my mouth and caught the rest of the load, meanwhile trying not to laugh. How can you NOT laugh about spastic cum flying at you? Thankfully I had a shirt on underneath and wasn't worried about going home with a mysterious spooge stain on me...

This was the first of several office sex sessions...and I am sure there are plenty more to come. The second time I arrived wearing a dress...Steven had only seen me in pants at this point. I had on a dress that were a couple of his favorite colors on me...the perfect shoes/purse/accessories to go with it, etc. I walked in, and he was excited to see me and to see me dressed up more than normal. When it was after hours and we started messing around he could hardly stand it when he took a peak at what was under the dress. For some reason, the particular thong I had on made him crazy. Never mind that it coordinated with the dress perfectly! Within minutes I was bent over his desk. dress over my hips, and the thong pushed aside while he fucked me, and fucked me GOOD.

The third time was crazier...it wasn't in his office, but was somewhere that is part of his workplace. I can't get into details. I was wearing jeans and a cute sparkly halter top and had plans that evening with girlfriends from childhood. We were going out that night, it was the first time that the three of us had done this in a long time. And, I love these girls, but have always felt inferior with them. Insecure for various reasons. We all live in different cities, etc. SO...I stopped in to see Steven before the girls and I met up. It was one of those times where you just have to have each other, and fast. No messing around, minimal clothes removed, just fast and furious sex. Never mind that it was during the afternoon, a bit riskier, and I had somewhere to be. Let's just say that we weren't anywhere to adequately deal with the aftermath, and I spent the evening with my girlfriends in panties that were soaking wet. AND IT WAS A HUGE TURN ON...it was so naughty! One friend was being her self righteous self, the other was talking about her "almost" affair that she "almost" had, and meanwhile I am sneaking text messages to Steven and can feel the moisture between my legs from our encounter. And I looked at these girls, both skinny, both "supposedly" happily married, both without kids, and for the FIRST TIME I felt like I was the one that was better off.

I looked at one that was unemployed and teetering on the edge of marital issues, and the other that is obviously hiding SOMETHING behind all of her external perfection, and I felt good.

I have boobs and an ass because I am not skinny. I have kids that give me more pleasure than these girls even know is possible. I have a spiritual side that they are lacking. I have accomplished more than I have fucked up. Yes, I have a jacked up marriage, I will give them that, but you know what else I have?

An AMAZING man that has come into my life, and is not only my best friend, but the most amazing lover I have ever had. Someone that is so in tune with me, and we are so in tune with each other, that finishing each other's sentences is common. Someone that understands me like no one ever has. Someone that I am learning with, exploring with, and having fun with. Someone that is showing me what a good relationship feels like. What LOVE feels like.

And I have known that I have all of this in Steven...yet, cum soaked panties while being out with the girls was like a constant reminder. A reminder of what I have, the happiness that I have, the love that I have.

Whatever it takes, right?

IT'S A HEIGHT THING

2009-06-26T12:22:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had something so random be so exciting?

This may sound crazy, but I am positively GIDDY over my height and Steven's height and how we seem to just FIT TOGETHER LIKE I NEVER KNEW POSSIBLE.

I know there are tons of girls out there that want their men taller than them. Okay, fine. I have NEVER cared, and have been with men that are a wide range of heights. My husband is 7 inches taller than me, and it has never bugged me. Until now.

Steven and I are basically the same height. And I think that it is the MOST AMAZING THING. Ever. And I am finding more and more reasons to love it as our relationship grows.

The first time I hugged him, it felt so right. And when I shocked the hell out of him by kissing him within minutes of our first meeting, it wasn't even an option in my mind to NOT kiss him. HIS LIPS WERE RIGHT THERE. And his lips are crazy hot (look at yesterday's HNT post...you will surely agree).

The first time we were in a bed together, I remember thinking that I liked that our feet touched. And then when I went home to my husband, it bugged me that my feet touched his legs when I was laying next to him. I liked the foot to foot feeling so much better.

As our sex life has grown to include different places, I am really digging the height thing! When I had my hands up against the glass in a hotel room overlooking the river (http://wheredoyouwanttoputthat.blogspot.com/2009/06/foggy-hand-prints-windows-and-lubeoh-my.html), it worked because of our heights. We have figured out the perfect bed height for us is one that hits right at my hip bones, I can bend over it and it makes for some great sex. The hood of my MOMMY MINIVAN is a great height also, a little bend and sticking my ass out puts Steven at an angle that feels fucking fantastic.

It took us a few months to "get" why it was so great. And then Steven pointed out that we are the perfect heights for each other. Now, I know plenty of people that are having hot sex and they are different heights than their partner, but STILL. For us this is just super fun and super hot!

The other night Steven and I met up for a few hours. We had a few drinks, and then decided to go to OUR BEACH (he calls it MISSY BEACH). The sun had set, and we drove to this dead end road where we can access this beach. The end of the dead end road has a perpetual mud puddle that varies in size depending on the amount of rain that has fallen lately. We dubbed this LAKE __________ (Steve's last name). We have sat and talked in the car by our lake, danced by our lake, goofed off by our lake, and this is where he bent me over my minivan recently.

The great thing about an extramarital relationship is that you have to GET CREATIVE. Yes, there are days that I just wish that we could be NORMAL, like a NORMAL couple, and have a house, and be able to just be together without having to think through the logistics (I can't complain though because Steven is the master of logistics). However, it is pretty hot that we have to think outside of the box, get creative, and because of that, it ups the excitement of our relationship tremendously. I have a feeling that no matter what though, we would always be daring and exciting. We are just those kind of people...we will probably be senior citizens and having crazy sex at porn stores and outdoors.

So, we go to our beach. I was a little freaked out after Steven mentioned watching out for "bad guys" and he got a kick out of making me scream by pointing out "scary" stuff that wasn't even really scary, it was just dark and everything gets spookier in the dark!

We got down to the water, where we could see part of the city, boats, trains, etc. Steven took off his shoes and put his feet in the water, and then took a giant stick and wrote I LOVE MISSY in the sand. He did this once before at a lake that we sometimes go to, and when he did it I told him that he was the first person to ever write that they loved me in the sand. He seemed shocked, but it was the honest truth. I rolled up my jeans, took my flip flops off, and put my toes in the cold water. We held on to each other, and began passionately kissing. Steven's fingers made their way underneath my pink cherry boy short panties, where he began touching me with such precision that my legs felt weak. We made our way over to a log, where I insisted on having his cock in my mouth RIGHT NOW.

I sucked and touched and looked up at Steve. I had him straddle the log, where I continued to enjoy every inch of him in my mouth (I swear it does as much for me as it does for him...such a turn on!). He reached in my shirt and found my nipples, and if FELT SO GOOD. I stopped sucking long enough to remove my shirt and bra, and let the cool night air and his hands caress my skin. He placed his hard cock between my breasts, and thrust between them while I squeezed them together. Then back in my mouth he went! When we both were so worked up that we could hardly stand it, he had me drop my jeans and panties, and bend over.

I placed my hands on the log, well aware that anyone in a passing boat or train would get a full on view of my ass and naked upper body. Within seconds I was *trying* to grab on to something, anything as I came...I have this habit of almost flailing my hands and arms, unsure of what to do with them, unaware of my upper body and I JUST WANT TO GRAB SOMETHING. Unfortunately, this large log wasn't especially GRABBABLE, so I think I smacked it or something. HE FELT SO GOOD!!

I came a second time (maybe a 3rd?) and could feel Steven getting close. His already huge cock felt almost TOO big as it throbbed inside of me. He informed me that he was going to cum in me (last chance to say NO! I WANT IT IN MY MOUTH!) and I nodded, and so he did. He held me (still bent over the log) and we both reveled in our BRAVENESS and the excitement of "OUR BEACH" and how we could seriously bring blankets and get lost in each other and the beauty of being outside.

When he pulled out of me I had that UH-OH MOMENT of knowing that if I didn't do something FAST that his tastiness would be running down my leg momentarily. I laughed and sat my bare ass down on the log...and grabbed a tank top that I had been wearing under my shirt and that worked just fine (note to self...think about this before more beach sex...or INSIST on swallowing...oohhhh it makes me want some NOW just thinking about it...).

We sat and kissed and talked and slowly got dressed and made our way back to the car, still marveling about how HOT THAT WAS and how we HAD TO DO THAT AGAIN, and SOON.

After we parted ways, Steven sent me a text message that said "A BLANKET, OUR BEACH, AND FOOD...OH, THE POSSIBILITIES..."

Yes baby, the possibilities are SO there. Yes, it's a STEVE THING. Yes, it's a MISSY THING. And most of all, it is an US THING. However....it is so totally a HEIGHT THING too!

H.N.T. - I KNOW WHAT LOVE FEELS LIKE

2009-06-25T00:48:00.000-07:00

This is my safe place. The place that I can be authentically me. A place where my thoughts and words can flow freely, without fear of judgement. Before I had this place, I thought that my life was okay. Now that I have this place, I know that my life is COMPLETE. I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO TRULY LOVE, AND TO TRULY BE LOVED.

PORN THEATER ADVENTURES

2009-06-23T11:55:00.001-07:00

So, even though we had our amazing experience with the swinger's club on Saturday, I was having a Steven craving on Sunday. We had agreed to meet for a quick kiss that evening before he headed home from work, seeing that it was Father's Day and all. He is on vacation all of this week, and we knew that our time and conversations together would be limited.

After writing that post (and masturbating!), I sent him a text message that said I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU AND BE WATCHED.

Now, I figured he would say something like along the lines of that sounds great but won't work today.

Instead he replied by asking if I wanted to go to a porn theater that we have been to before.

Here is the deal with this place. It's skeezy. Somewhere that if you ran into someone you knew, you would just act like you didn't know each other. There are low quality porns playing on the screen, and chairs, couches, and more for people to do WHATEVER on. It's dark, hard to see, and mostly filled with men. Sometimes there are cross dressers, lots of guy/guy action, etc. The first time we went there, we didn't have sex. I gave Steven a blow job...there was another couple that asked us if we wanted to "play" and Steven nicely told them thanks, but no thanks. There is a roped off couple's section that is for couples only...and if you want someone that isn't a couple to join you, you have to go out into the regular part of the theater. So, when there are couples in the couple's section, men will gather around the roped off section and watch (and masturbate).

After that first time of being SO BRAVE, I decided that I could have sex there. It was fun being watched...even though I don't ever really make eye contact with anyone. It is just so NAUGHTY which is the appeal to me. Good Christian/business owning/super moms don't just do stuff like this, right? WRONG!!

So, when we went back a second time, I wore a skirt with crotchless panties underneath. I figured it would be less undressing, less of me exposed, but would be very functional. My sexy man with a perfect body has no issues being fully undressed in front of strangers!

We have gone a handful of times now...each time has been a bit different. A few weeks ago I went for the white skirt, hair up, glasses wearing look...a bit on the naughty side. I have experimented with pig tails another time...It's almost like acting, except we aren't acting. Still, it is a performance. When Steven pulls out of me and shoots his load into my mouth it's quite a show...we have it down to a fairly choreographed routine. It took a few times for me to get used to the idea that people could see me...and I really get into my sex zone where I tune everything out. Apparently one time there was a guy that was adding his two bits the whole time...wanting to see more of me or something. I didn't even notice. We have also had a guy quietly applaud after watching Steve cum in my mouth.

Steven LOVES the sound of his hand smacking my ass and the way it echos in the theater.

To me, what is hot, is how intimate it can be while being so not intimate at all. I know this doesn't make sense, but it is like that to me. It is like it is just the two of us, yet I know we are being watched. Our quiet little conversations that we have while there are punctuated with kisses, and NO ONE KNOWS WHAT WE ARE SAYING. These conversations are a huge turn on for me, and I am not entirely sure why...even if it is just Steven telling me just HOW BRAVE I am.

Maybe it is fulfilling my secret fantasy to be a porn star? An actress?

This last time, Sunday night, I decided to spice it up a bit and add some thigh highs and a garter belt to the "porn theater look"...which, when Steve had me bent over the back of the couch, the straps served as great handles...super hot...

I also am wondering about choking during sex. I LIKE IT. Which shocks me. Steven tried it for the first time awhile ago, and apparently my reaction was enough of a hint that I enjoyed it. I figured out a few months ago that I like having my face slapped too...it was totally a fluke while we were messing around and he lightly smacked my cheek. I WANTED MORE. It's so bizarre how much it turns me on...I would love to hear from others that like this (or choking). When we were at the theater on Sunday, Steve reached around and grabbed me around the neck. It was such a turn on I could hardly contain myself! I am leery of the slapping in public though, which I guess I need to get over. Two consenting adults in a place where all that is sex is acceptable shouldn't concern me. I am not quite totally okay with this yet though.

Going to a place like this was unheard of to me before Steven. I love this aspect of our relationship...I call it our dark side. We both have sides to us that are unconventional, not the "norm", and would shock the hell out of everyone in our real lives. What are the odds that the two of us would find each other? It is so great to be able to explore this side to me that I didn't even know existed. It's liberating too...I get such a high after doing something like this, it is unreal.

I AM SO BRAVE

2009-06-21T14:52:00.000-07:00

Masturbation is a beautiful thing!

It's Father's Day, and my husband and the kids just went to an antique car show, which left me ALONE.

And last night, Steven and I had a great time...so great that recapping in my head just now lead my fingers down my jeans, under my thong, where they rubbed and teased until I was breathless and quivering on the couch.

SO...fingers licked clean of my own juices, it's time to type about what was so hot in the first place, don't you think?

We met for dinner and a drink, and of course good conversation. Typical Steven and Missy. After that, we went to this FANTASTIC place that we stumbled upon last week...that is worthy of a separate post. It is this little beach area, that is private, and way amazing. We parked and walked down to it, and sat on a log kissing, watching the water, boats, bridges, etc. Steven unzipped his pants and let me enjoy his cock for awhile...something about the sound of the water, the breeze, and his hard warm tastiness was getting me seriously aroused. I wanted Steven, and he knew it, but that wasn't the place.

We left, unsure of what to do next. We had a couple of hours...and we were aimlessly driving around. We thought about doing something that we had done before...going to a hot tub place, a porn theater, a porn store, etc. Neither one of us were being decisive, and time was wasting.

Steven pulled into the parking lot of a swinger's club and suggested that we check it out. I PANICKED. We had talked about places like this before. Neither one of us have much interest in swapping, we have talked about threesomes here and there. I think the bottom line is that neither one of us has ruled anything out completely. I have done stuff with Steven that I would have NEVER thought I would do...and not only that, I ENJOYED IT. We are both highly adventurous, highly sexual, and the two combined can get interesting.

Steven parked the car and suggested that we go in and look around. He said that we could leave if we didn't like it, but that it might be fun to watch other people and then go into a room by ourselves. I WAS FUCKING SHAKING AT THIS POINT. I started giving him a million reasons why it was a bad idea...I had sand in my shoes from the beach. I was dressed super casual. I wasn't prepared. I hadn't thought about it long enough.

He knows me WAY to well. He pointed out that we had gone to a porn theater and had sex in front of others, and not only did I get over the fact that people were WATCHING us, but I upped my braveness a notch and asked him to take me back a few days later, where I found having sex with him in front of people VERY HOT. I still need to blog about this!

He pointed out that the porn theater was way skeezier than this place, and that because I WAS SO BRAVE, AND THE BRAVEST GIRL HE KNEW, that I could do it.

He had me. And he knew it. He knows that two things make me putty in his hands...telling me how brave I am and referring to me by first and last name...ONLY USING HIS LAST NAME, not mine.

And the adorable brat DID BOTH. "Come on Missy ___________. You are SO BRAVE."

Well, hell. Yes I am!

We went in, asked about membership, and signed up. Steven paid the annual fee and the admittance fee, and we were off.

To me, someone that is DIRECTIONALLY RETARDED, it was like a maze. A big sex maze. Hot tubs (inside and outside), showers, rooms...some with windows, some without. Couches, beds, rooms with porn on, a cage with a sex swing, food, pool tables, a dance floor with a stripper pole (that my goof ball of a man decided to try out for me...he is FEARLESS I tell you).

It was fairly early in the night, and while there were people there, there wasn't much action going on. We wandered the maze, and as time passed, things picked up. A goth looking chic was being blindfolded and cuffed to the cage, while another girl (who, by the way had this GREAT jacket on that I want) started whipping her back. We sat and watched that for a bit, and I was slowly relaxing.

It wasn't skeezy. It was just a bunch of sex freaks, like us! Everyone looked and acted normal, either interacting or minding their own business. In typical Steven fashion, he struck up a conversation with some people, I just listened (secretly beaming because I love this about him...).

There was some serious sex action in one of the rooms...there was a window that you could watch (and listen) through. Originally it was a couple, by the end of our visit it was full blown swapping action that was ENTHUSIASTIC.

We went into a private room and locked the door. There was an aquarium and a red light overhead...just the perfect lighting. Steven immediately stripped, and intermittently took pieces of my clothing off while kissing me (we later agreed that it was seriously great kissing).

When I was down to nothing but my bra, we went at it in typical Steven and Missy fashion. Blow jobs, kissing, him going down on me, me tasting myself off of his lips when he kisses me, him on top, from behind, etc. Seriously, we have ADHD sex, which is the ONLY way to go in my opinion. I never know what will happen next, and we never seem to focus in any one place or position for too long. LOVE THIS!!

We could hear the people in the room next to us having sex, and that made it even hotter. After I had cum several times, Steve asked if he could open our door. I said yes...and so he did.

I have NO IDEA who watched. I was too focused on how amazing his cock felt in me. At one point I glanced up and saw someone standing there, the next time I glanced up there was no one.

When I was GIDDY from great sex, Steven told me he was going to cum in my mouth, and man did he ever! It was more than a swallow for me...I had to gulp and then gulp again, leaving a slight cumstache which he kissed off.

He laid on top of me, his damp skin against mine. We kissed and kissed and kissed some more, and then got dressed.

We peeked in on the serious swapping action next door, and then wandered around a bit more...the cage now had two men and a woman in it, she was in the swing being fucked while sucking on the other guy. And now that I was over the whole SHOCK, it was no big deal. Like watching a porn, live. No big deal, right?

I have a suspicion, just knowing how I am, that I might warm up to this idea even more...the whole being watched thing is exciting to Steven. I am starting to understand that. I have always considered myself open minded, but am becoming even more so...to the point that two men together doesn't phase me, I can understand pain as pleasure, and that great sex can put me in a better mood than I ever thought possible. I am also learning to love my body. I have Steven to thank for this. He loves every inch just the way it is, and I am figuring out that he isn't just saying that. And that it is okay for me to love myself too.

The best thing about all of this, is that being with Steve is like stretching. You think that you have gone as far as you can. However, if you want to, and if you choose to, you can go a bit further. He NEVER pushes anything on me, and if I don't want to do something, that is it. End of conversation. However, he knows that if I just STRETCH, there are things that I would really enjoy. Things that I never would have tried. He has yet to be wrong...even if my legs are shaking, even if I am trying to talk myself out of something, I am ALWAYS glad that I have done it.

And just when I think that we have done it all, he gets this glint in his eyes, this boyish grin that melts my heart, smiles at me, and reminds me that I am SO BRAVE...and we are off on another adventure.

Yep. I am SO BRAVE.

IT ISN'T FAIR

2009-06-18T11:03:00.000-07:00

To those of you looking to read something sexy and hot, skip this post. To those of you that realize that harsh reality that affairs can sometimes SUCK, and you want to feel like you aren't alone, keep reading.

I am wondering if I am truly cut out for this. All of my previous affairs have been so different. And this relationship with Steven is unlike anything else.

I love him. And, it's weird, because I have thought that I loved before. I know that I love my husband, he is the father of my children, and we have a history together. It isn't the same though. The love that I have for Steven is all consuming, deep, and unlike any love I have felt before.

I have gotten used to a high level of communication from him. A good amount of time with him. And when things happen, like vacation time, days off, etc. it is getting to be TOO FUCKING HARD on me. I try, really try, to be stronger than that. To be not as needy. To act like I don't care. And I am failing miserably.

I know there are people out there that would kill to have the amount of time that we have together. I know that there are those that are doing this long distance, and I can't imagine how hard that is. I know that it could be worse for me.

I also know that something has occurred to me in the past few days, something that I can't get out of my mind.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN THE TOP PRIORITY IN ANY RELATIONSHIP THAT I HAVE EVER HAD.

And I am tired of it.

My husband has always put himself, his job, and our kids first. I know that my place is somewhere after that. Every extramarital relationship that I have been involved with is a no brainer, there has been a wife/girlfriend that comes first.

I have a sibling that was favored growing up, and is still favored as an adult. I have always felt like I had something to prove within my family...that I couldn't compete with my thinner, prettier sisters. I have always gone above and beyond with work, whether or not it is noticed, because I have something to prove. I care way the hell too much about what other people think, and what things look like to the rest of the world.

This is NOT where I was supposed to be. I was NOT supposed to be in my 30's and living the way that I am. If you would have asked me at 16 what my future looked like, it would have included four years of college, a great job, then marriage, and then kids, and the picket fence, and all that goes with it. An amazing sex life, a husband that I couldn't wait to be with when he would get home from work, smart and adorable kids.

Guess what? I HAVE THE SMART AND ADORABLE KIDS. And that is IT.

NEVER would I have thought that I would look over at my sleeping husband and wish it were someone else.

NEVER would I have thought that I would go to church on Sunday, teach Vacation Bible School, teach my kids right from wrong, and WITH NO GUILT be having an affair.

NEVER would I have thought that I would be able to look so damn normal, yet have a complete second life. That I could volunteer at the kid's schools by day, and fuck a married man at night. YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW IF YOU SAW ME WHAT MY LIFE IS REALLY LIKE.

This past week we have had two amazing experiences together. Two very different, very special, unforgettable experiences. One was a fantastic evening that ended with spontaneous sex outside (future post material), and one was a junk food picnic at a park filled with deep intimate conversation that I still haven't fully processed. And while they were both special for very different reasons, they were both so US. So typical of who we are as a couple.

And when I think of these times together this week, I could lay on the ground and kick and scream like a toddler. Really. HOW is this FAIR? WHY does it have to be like this? Is this a cruel joke? Neither one of us have had EASY lives. We have both had challenges, obstacles, hardships. And now THIS. I can sit and look into his eyes over Chex Mix while he pours his heart out, yet I have to go home to someone that doesn't even notice that I am in the same room as him. I can be bent over the hood of my vehicle having sex in broad daylight and it is HOTTTT, but he has to go home to someone that would never do that.

IT IS NOT FUCKING FAIR. (Tantrum completed for now).

MIRROR IMAGE

2009-06-15T15:32:00.000-07:00

Steven and I had a rare opportunity this morning. He had a free morning, and I was able to go into work late. No kids at home this morning, no husband either. He agreed to come see me for a couple of hours.

He had been here before, briefly, the last time being 5 days after I had major surgery 2 months ago...I was loaded on pain pills and insisted that he stick his cock in my mouth. NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE HEALING POWERS OF YOUR MAN'S COCK IN YOUR MOUTH. Seriously. Amazing.

So, he came over this morning...I had ran to the store to get a few breakfast things. We hung out, ate, chatted, etc. At some point he asked for the "official tour" (was this smooth or what?) and we went upstairs. We were in my room, both a little apprehensive for various reasons. I knew that being there was lower risk than most places...there was NO WAY my husband could come home, and my neighbors are all really low key and we all mind our own business. It is still weird though, I mean, really, that is the ultimate slap in the face for the one being cheated on. It didn't phase me though, my husband has had his chance(s) to make things right with me, and has chosen not to. So there.

We were laying on my bed, kissing, cuddling. I told Steve I wanted to suck on him, and he was nice and let me. All of a sudden he demanded that I get naked, and I did. Meanwhile, he had to take a work call, and being the brat that I am, I decided that my tongue needed some more time on his cock...and balls...and ass...and inner thighs...mmmmm...

He wrapped up his call, and got on top of me, getting me off virtually in seconds. He has that effect on me...and it is more than feeling him inside of me. Obviously that pushes me over the edge, but it is the whole EXPERIENCE. Looking at him. Smelling him. Kissing him. I get into this place with him where it is so carnal, so deep. And what SHOCKS the hell out of me is that I am someone that struggles to shut down. Struggles to think of just one thing at a time. I am someone that is always doing, thinking, and multitasking. Yet, when I am with Steven, particularly in bed, I am able to shut down all of that. Without a conscious effort. It just happens. He allows me a freedom from my own mind that I have never known.

After a few orgasms, one that was particularly intense, he wanted me to turn around. Instinctively, I turned at angle that I would have turned with the person that I am *normally* in that bed with.

Steven had me move, and I saw why. My headboard has a mirror. And I have had that headboard for almost 13 years. And in 13 years, NEVER has my husband (or myself for that matter) utilized that headboard for visual purposes while having sex.

WHAT THE HELL!!!??? This shows you where the sex in my marriage has been!

It was HOT. I could watch Steven's face. Watch him slapping my ass. Watch him moving in and out of me. Watch US. And then I told him I wanted to watch him cum on my back. I LOVE HOW THIS FEELS.

I lifted my ass a little higher and dropped my upper body so I could get the full on view. I watched Steven's face as he neared orgasm...and when he did, he pulled out and I felt his hot cum shoot all over my back WHILE I WATCHED.

It was AMAZING...and I loved the feeling!

Never again will I look at that mirror the same. I love how Steven's mind thinks!

Man, thinking about my cum covered back is making me horny...where is that hot man when I need him? Oh yeah. With his family. Ahhh...the joys of the double lives that we lead.

KISSING, RISKS, AND PUBLIC PLACES

2009-06-13T11:39:00.000-07:00

As if my previous posts haven't been random or spastic enough. Here are my top thoughts today...

I could kiss him for hours. Lips, tongues, gums (I love his gums...weird, I know). My nose breathing in the scent of his face. My fingers wandering wherever they please. Heaven is an understatement. Kissing is practically nonexistent in my marriage. And I LOVE KISSING. There is NOTHING like kissing Steven. NOTHING.

FUN FACT (because I love to research): Kissing is a complex behavior that requires significant muscular coordination; a total of thirty-four facial muscles and 112 postural muscles are used during a kiss. THANKS, Wikipedia! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kiss

Second random thought: RISK.

As is having an extramarital affair isn't naughty enough...sometimes doing stuff that isn't a part of your "real" life when you are with someone that isn't a part of your "real" life is very exciting. I love drinking and smoking with Steve, two things that aren't a part of our real lives for the most part. Never in a million years would I have been willing to have naked pictures taken of me, again, something that I have enjoyed with Steven. Perhaps it is the RISK FACTOR, but I really believe it is WHO I am doing things with that makes it exciting...I would bet folding laundry with Steve could be hot.

Aside from our sexual experimentation, and just the sheer joy that comes from being together, we have found other things that we enjoy doing. Steven is a FOOD LOVER (like NO ONE THAT I HAVE EVER MET BEFORE) and it is just not fair that he maintains his perfect body regardless. He has a broad knowledge of "low risk" restaurants and bars that are usually in places that are of minimal concern...running into someone there is so unlikely that it isn't even funny. And he enjoys the whole EXPERIENCE of eating together, which has been a new thing for me. At first I thought it was funny, but I am starting to get it. Steven finds pleasure in almost everything, including sharing a meal. It's quite sweet. And, yes, we aren't hanging out at the restaurants in my town or his, but still...it is a very public RISK.

We have frequented a small bar several times together often enough that our drinks are known by the bartender. And of course, being the friendliest guy on earth, Steven knows her name. And sometimes we wonder, do we appear to be what we are? Do we LOOK like people that are married to OTHER people? I would love to know! The last time we were there, the bartender referred to me as his GIRLFRIEND. We rarely go anywhere without our wedding rings on, so??? This is just one of those things that I really would be interested in asking some random stranger. What do you think our relationship is? Again, just frequenting somewhere repeatedly could be considered a RISK.

We have both been in positions of having to think fast with regard to our relationship. He stopped in at my work...quick, how did I meet him? Concoct believable story. Friends on Facebook? I am now a "customer" of his at work. Believable story concocted. It is alarming at how easy lying can become. Easy, yet NECESSARY. And...a potential RISK.

So...here is the point of all of this RISK talk. We decided, last night, to drink at a place that I have been frequenting with friends for over 5 years. It's small, dark, and not what I would call a hip place to hang at. It tends to draw an older crowd, be a bit of a meat market, but is usually a pretty fun place.

We arrived, had ordered drinks, and Steven went to use the bathroom. And all of a sudden, he is calling me. I answer, and in a mildly panicked tone he informs me that my co-worker is there, and saw him, and was headed towards me. Apparently, she said hi, and asked who he was with. Without answering, he eluded that it was me, and directed her to where I was sitting. Now, about this co-worker. She has met Steve, knows that we are friends. That is the extent of it. She has hinted that she thinks he "likes me". She is someone that isn't naturally a monogamous person, knows a bit about my past, and has a past of her own. Let's just say, she has my back and I have hers. SO...as far as running into someone in public, this was a low risk person.

HOWEVER, she has her sister with her. Her sister that has met my husband. SHIT. I am FREAKING OUT. I see them walking towards me, my co-worker is excited to see me. She sits down with her sister, and apparently the sheer terror that I am feeling is evident. Steve returns, and instinctively puts his hand on my knee. I move his hand. THIS IS TOO FUCKING SCARY.

Long story short, co-worker's sister thinks I don't like her because of the vibe I am giving off. I had a few drinks in me, and decided to just lay it out. I looked at her and basically told her that my husband did not need to know that I was there with another man. Funny thing was, she remembered my husband, but not the fact that I was his wife! She was relieved to know that I didn't dislike her, and everything was cool. She could have cared less. I lightened up, and enjoyed myself.

Have you ever heard someone say that they fell in love all over again when they see their significant other do something? This HAPPENED last night. This was my first experience with Steven and people from my REAL LIFE in a social setting. And I am sitting there, watching him interact with my co-worker and her sister. Asking about jobs, relationships, kids, interests. Wanting details because that is just the type of person he is. I LOVE THIS ABOUT HIM MORE THAN I WILL EVER BE ABLE TO ADEQUATELY EXPRESS. I have spent 12 years being the one to carry the social life within my marriage. And here are these girls that are both younger than us, having this great time with MY STEVEN. Agreeing with me that he has an amazing ass while he wasn't at the table. Telling him he doesn't look his age (because he doesn't). Having fun.

I am telling you what, if that isn't hot, I don't know what is. I could have pounced on him right then and there. Just when I thought I couldn't love him any more than I already do...

RISKY? Possibly. Worth it? DEFINITELY.

RUNAWAY TRAIN

2009-06-11T20:42:00.000-07:00

My eyes are closed. My husband is on top of me, thrusting in and out, I know it won't last more than a few minutes.

With my eyes closed, I see Steven. He is masturbating, stroking his hard cock, his lips in the relaxed state that makes me hot all over. He is looking at me, intently. He is in a dark room, alone.

My bedroom window is open, and a train is going by. Loudly. The rushing roar of the train matches the speed at which these images are flashing in and out of my head.

Steven. Husband. Me. Steven's hand on his cock. Steven's eyes. Steven's mouth. Train noise. The weight of my husband on me. The train noise.

My eyes are squeezed tightly shut. It seems so real. It feels like I can see Steve, but not touch him. And I want to. Desperately. I want to be what is surrounding his cock. I want to be his hand. I should be there. With him. Right now. This isn't right. I need him. He needs me.

The train whistle blows, the noise is louder and louder. My house trembles with the train roaring by. I almost feel panicked. I can't move. Helpless. Stuck. Not where I want to be. Not where I need to be.

My husband finishes as the train does. I catch my breath, return to reality. Shake off the eerie feeling that I have just had a crazy, movie like, out of body experience. Or at least was seriously tripping out. Or both.

Two things were clear though. I know where I want to be isn't where I am. And this whole experience is as fast, intense, and overwhelming as standing next to a fast train.

I can handle it. I can balance this. All. Because I want to. Because I need to. Because there is no other way as far as I am concerned.

PLAYING WITH PICTURES

2009-06-11T00:02:00.000-07:00

WHERE DO YOU WANT TO PUT THAT?