BAGGAGE

Steven said something interesting as we ended our conversation tonight that I have been dwelling on.

He mentioned that we need to remember the baggage that is coming with each other. He was referring to something that happened between us, and the realization that my reaction had more to do with previous issues than HIM.

I guess baggage is unavoidable. It is everywhere. We both brought baggage into our relationship, and together we create baggage. Some good, some awful. Yet, all are pieces to what makes us who we are.

I have felt a general sense of loss these past few months, and I feel that I am beginning to dig my way out of a scary place. I got a job, one that I think I will enjoy doing. The pay is less than I would have liked, but the benefits and schedule make up for that and then some. I will have a great schedule that works well with my kids, Steven, and all other aspects of my life. I feel so blessed that this has happened. I feel good about the progress of my divorce. I feel like things are getting on track in most aspects of my life.

I am DEATHLY afraid of losing Steven. We have overcome so much to get to this point. To be SO CLOSE to our relationship being REAL is scary, because I want it so bad it hurts. I have taken to sleeping with an article of his clothing when he isn't with me...finding comfort where I can...breathing in his smell and reminding myself that each night is one night closer to us being together for real.

How can one person make me so happy, so excited, so in love, so sad, so hurt, so confused, so vulnerable? How can one person make me feel so pretty, so cared for, so special? How can one person make me laugh so hard, smile so big? How can one person make me feel such pleasure, cum so many times, scream so loud during sex? How can someone make me lose such control of my mind, my heart, and my body?

I love him. So damn much. I will gladly carry his baggage, and I know he will gladly carry mine.

Right now, that means the world to me. It always will.