ONE YEAR

A year ago today, on February 7, 2009, I found my Steven. I randomly posted an ad on Craigslist looking for SOMETHING. I wasn't even sure WHAT in the hell I was doing or looking for, I just knew that whatever it was did not exist within my own four walls.

I found it. Him.

I have spent much of this week reflecting on us, our relationship, and how we got here. I decided to make him a hard bound book that had memories, thoughts, things I love, and other randomness in it. I threw some pictures and old emails in it too. It was probably a 6 hour project start to finish, and I almost did it for myself as much as I did it for him. It slowed me down, and really made me think about this past year. It also confirmed that I am headed in the right direction with Steven. The thoughts and memories flowed freely while I worked on the book and it occurred to me that it would be impossible to do something like this based on my 12 year marriage. What does THAT tell you? I read through my work several times, and it was at times quite emotional for me. In a good way. The intensity in which I love Steven can be overwhelming, and something as stupid as thinking over our first meeting could bring me to tears. Good ones.

Fittingly and ironically, I filed for divorce this week. It was liberating. I thought back to where I was, where my head was, and where my heart was a year ago and the only thing that has made this final year of marriage somewhat manageable was Steven. It also felt RIGHT. Nothing about it was BECAUSE OF STEVEN. All of it was BECAUSE OF ME. I feel like my relationship with Steven has made me value my own happiness so much more, and he has been an immense source of love and support. However, he hasn't wrecked a home. If he ended this relationship today my divorce would still happen. And that feels right.

Last night we celebrated by staying the night at the hotel that we first got together at. We had an amazing dinner in our room, drank a bunch of margaritas, watched a movie, and genuinely enjoyed being together. It was quite perfect. Oh, and yes, there was hot sex too!

I am SO EXCITED about my future! I mean, REALLY! Where will I get a job? What will happen when Steven leaves his wife? How amazing will it be when we are both free to just be US? It is all SO EXCITING! Of course, it is nerve wracking, and of course, being "single" while he is still very "married" is trying. Of course job hunting and divorcing are hard things. However, it is the home stretch for US as a couple involved in an affair. We are SO CLOSE to being something so much more that I can taste it. I can SEE IT too. Now that my husband is out of the picture, Steven can come over. Stay the night. Hang out. And that is so much more "real life" than a hotel room. And I love how REAL LIFE looks and feels!

I am so thankful. One year ago, my life changed forever. A beautiful, strong, smart, hilarious man entered my life. Someone that has depth. Someone that is my best friend. Someone that has a light that you can't miss, yet a darkness that I relate to. Someone that has loved me more than I knew possible.

I'm crazy about you Steven. Happy Anniversary!