My apologies in advance to those of you that were anticipating a steamy, sex filled, post vacation blog entry.
I don't have one.
I am not as tough as I would like to think.
And right now, I am not keeping it together.
This vacation was hard. Very hard. I looked at every moment and thought of it as a "last". I thought about my kids enjoying this same vacation next year, with their father and grandparents, but not me.
I enjoyed the time with my kids. Even enjoyed most of the time with my husband and in laws.
And I missed Steven like crazy. I ached for him. Wanted to feel him. Kiss him. Hold him. Be there WITH him. I wanted to walk on the beach holding his hand. I wanted to listen to the ocean while lying in bed with him.
Soon I told myself. Soon. Our time together for real is coming SOON.
And then the past day has been one big cluster fuck. I am sitting here, stunned. My stomach hurts. My head hurts. My heart hurts.
We are both just so fucking needy. What started as me needing reassurance and comfort turned into 24+ hours of bickering. Hurting each other.
Now, realize that there are two sides to every story, and this is MY side. Steven is more than welcome to post on here too.
However, I am hurt beyond what I am able to articulate. I JUST NEEDED HIM TO SAY "IT'S OKAY SWEETIE. WE CAN DO THIS. ONE MORE DAY. NO NEED TO FEEL INSECURE, NO NEED TO WORRY ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP."
I needed him to understand that I wasn't trying to shut him out, but that I was trying to avoid conflict.
I needed him to understand. Yes...it is hard to be the one left at home when the other is on vacation. However, having done both sides of this now, it is harder to be away in my opinion. It was hard to have down time that I am not used to, but to have it surrounded by family.
Long story short, shit hit the fan last night. I am not getting into details, but the bottom line is that I CAN'T DO THIS. I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I am teetering a fine line with my sanity.
I love Steven. He has stolen my heart in a way that no one has ever done. He has taught me so much. I am nuts about him. Sexually I felt that I had met my match. He knows more about me than anyone ever has. I trust him with anything and everything.
I want this so bad. I want him so bad.
I want us so bad.
I can't do this right now though. It pains me to say that.
So I am trying to figure this out. How CAN this work? Can I change something so I feel more balanced? Can I become thicker skinned so that I am better fit for this lifestyle? How can I remember everything? Not cry about it all? Not want so much? Not be so insecure? Or jealous? Or needy? He tells me plans and the next day I don't know what he said. I am the most organized person, and I can't keep this together. I frustrate him. I piss him off. I see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice.
I am falling apart.
I know what I need and want, and I can't figure out how to have it.
I am so sad. So so sad. I want to close my eyes and wake up to this being a dream. I want to wave a wand and have it be better. I want the hurt that is burning deep within me to stop.
I am falling apart.
1 hour ago
101 comments:
Ohh Missy please don't feel this way You deserve to be happy my lovely.
What is it that is bothering you?? Is it missing him so much or more the guilt when you look at your children? Try to focus on what it is that is making you unhappy then work towards fixing that.
what is Steven saying about this?? Has he been there 4 u to chat? when u need him the most?
*hugs you* This is so hard to just read, I can't imagine you going through it.
I hope Steven reads this and understands..
Could it just be the stress of missing him?? Or it is something more that is bothering you??
I hate family vacations. You do alot of soul searching. You realise what the other person means to u. And you also realise how much you need them and how important to u they are.
But remember... the emotions are always hightened at these times. It is always the hardest part of affair- the vacation. Beforr u know you, you'll be back to your routine at home and youll wonder why u stressed so much.
We love u Missy!!! Try to keep your chin up. How much longer r u there for??
Call Steve. He needs to take responsibility for this. If you two are to be together in the future, ensure u r getting what u need from now, We love love u missy. Keep your head up. Your happiness will come.
I guarantee Steve probably doesnt even know u feel this way. He'll read this and contact u, then these feelings will be a distant memory once u both comunicate.
Can u go and get a massage, pedcure etc to calm u down???Just until its time to leave??
Vacations... they are sometimes more trouble than they are worth. Love u Missy.... we're with u.
I hope Steven reads this and rights things. U deserve the best.
what has steven said about all this????
One bit of advice:
A crisis is just about the worst time to start making decisions on anything. Give yourself some time to sort it out and calm down. You will feel better in a day or two.
I hope things work out for you. :)
Oh Missy, it hurts to see you this way. Please feel happy again soon.
Know that your love for Steven is real, as is his for you. And soon, you will be together. And soon after that, you will be together forever. And these worries will be over.
Steven wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him right?
Get together and make it happen. Tell him what you want. Tell him how bad you want it
How bad u NEED it.
Then work towards making it happen sooner rather than later.
U deserve happiness.
Tell Steven ALL of this. And perhaps you should tell him that its hurting you, making you feel like you cant go on.
Would you consider breaking it off it Steven didnt make a break and get you two together? The two of you need to work towards this, not just you.
What is worse?? Staying in this marriage without Steven or facing times such as these until you two can break free?
Thats what u need to decide.
U are probably over analyzing. Being on holidays with your family... tinking over things too much.
Just talk to Steve, make him see. Tell him exactly how you feel. He needs to listen and understand. You are so beautiful Missy and deserve the best.
You haven't really said what was worrying you.
is it mainly missing Steve, realising that 'this is all there is' in terms of your life. Or is it more a panic because you realise how much you love him??
First, what KittenCunt said is absolutely true. When you are upset, and it feels like everything is falling apart, is not the time to make a decision.
Now you have not really said what the crises is, so all I can say is this. Find what is good about where you are right this minute, not tomorrow or your future, but right now, and hold on to it. Maybe it is your children, maybe it is a moment of solitude, with no pressures or demands upon you. It is about creating a space for yourself to feel calm and clear. When you have no one offering a should to cry on, you have to make your own.
Chin up Missy. You've got a good strong relationship with Steve. You normally get to spend soooo much time with him and be close to him. its normal that you'd feel this way being apart. You feel insecure because you probably dont feel like its 'real' due to the circumstances.
But just remember, steve loves you. he tels you he does. he is there for you. this is a minor setback.
This is not fair. is Steve feeling this way too??? Or is it just you? He should step up and be there for you.
I hate it when people who engage in affairs are always there for the sex and fun times, but when it gets a little tough... where are they?? I am sure he wll be there for you. Perhaps he doesnt even know just how much you are hurting??
No-one is made for this lifestyle long term. You will always be jealous, insecure and needy of him whilst you are both married to other people.... because you are in love with him.
its not fair for you to feel this way. Affairs are ok short term but long term, when there are feelings involved.... people start getting hurt. And things like this happen. Eventually you will eed to decide waht you want. This long term.... or the real deal. And if you choose the real deal with Steve, make it happen. Your kids will adjust and you'll be happy.
if you do divorce your husband, it could be wise to spend some time on your own before getting with Steve so you can reconnect with yourself again. ou are hot Missy... and beautiful and all the good things. You will be ok
Let us know how it goes Missy. we're rootin for you both remember! We want you to be happy whatever u choose to do.
It is much harder when you are apart and have little or no contact.
Trust him.
he should trust you.
It will get better.
good luck
He wont let you face this alone. Even though you probably feel that way now. Its probably hard for him to do anything right now with the way things are.
I bet you have spoken to him since this post and everything is ok. I am confident of that.
U will be ok. Your love is real.
I have faith in both of u to work this out.
Why are you feeling like this now??? Whats changed?
Send steve a messgae and ask him to talk.
Just tell him everything. Dont avoid conflict. why should u?
Your feelings deserve to be heart, your needs deserve to be met.
Please cheer up. this will all be ober beforer u know it and you'll be back in his arms.
Give us a smile missy :)
we are here for u.
Does your husband wonder why you have been acting different? Will it blow your cover?
U deserve 100% and steven should step up and communicate better.
Dont settle. You ensure you are getting what you want and need. You deserve it Keep telling yourself that.
Exactly as the previous poster said. Focus on you and what you want.
You are the greatest
These emotions come into things like this. its the nature of your situation. And the way you have to communicate with one another, it can cause problems to accumulate.
i hope u get what u want. I hope Steve comes to you and makes ammends.
thank you
Mel.
U will be happy again. Just think of the good times.
There is a reason u have stayed with him for so long. he is filling a void in your life. At times it will not be perfect, but you know the love is real and it will continue long after these hard times are over.
Wait and see before you stress too much. He may surprise you and come around with a nice suggestion for things to be different.
U will be back with a smile soon :)
U and steve are made for 1 another. remember that. U wll come through after all this.
:) u deserve happiness. Hate seeing u sad like this :(
we're thinking of u missy
Cant wait to read that you are ok. I know it will happen soon.
Steve will fix all this soon. And you will wonder why u were so sad.
Ohh Missy I am sooo upset to read this. I think you may be stressing because of the situation- u being away from him. It will improve.
everytihg will be ok. Steal hugs where u can. from your family, your friends. Think of them as precoursers to when u see steve and get the real hug.
I love u missy and your blog. I was sad to read this.
You need to focus on the good and what u get out of the relationship. Because the sun will shine again soon.
Love your blog Missy
Soooo sad to see that you're having a hard time. I hope you and Sreven work things out soon!!
Ohh Missy
I know how you feel. Its so difficult being in this situation. And even worse.... being IN LOVE with him. You would feel insecure, unsure and a sense of urgency.
Thats how I often feel.
You wonder why you are doing it at times and if you will ever be together. The best advice I can give you, coming from someone in the same situation, is to communicate with him. Tell him how you feel. Don't panic because a good time will be around the corner. And yes you will doubt why you are doing it at times. Thats normal.
But you know he's worth it and thats probably why you continue with it.
Ohhh Missy :(
I hope u r ok
Please cheer up soon
We love u Missy- you deserve the best. You are a beautiful woman.
We don't care whether you have a sex fuelled story or a sad one- we love hearing from you and your blog is the best.
I just hope you are ok....
Try to cheer up soon. And know Steven is waiting for you on the other side.
Poor Missy- I hope you have a happy ending to write soon
what has Steve said about all this??
U and steve are an inspiration and show us the up and downs and the raw truth about love.
Dont give up on it yet.
Missy you rock. we love your blog and you inspire us everyday.
we hope you can find the light in the love that drew you to Steve in the first place.
This is so upsetting
Please give us an update soon
Ohh Missy
Let us know everything is ok please!!!
Missy we love u
Missy cheer up and get better soon!!! Love your blog so much!!
I want some good news soon!!
Please let usknow what happens.
Hope you an Steve work things out.
This is sooo sad.
Try and take some time out for yourself please. U deserve it
Ohh Missy noooo
This is not fair at all
Missy please be ok!
Ohh Missy I can completely understand how you fel.
dont talk to him until u r ready.
U r such a beautiful person
U deserve the best. I want steve to give that to u
Steve needs to right this situation and quickly
U should not be going through this
I was soooo sad to see this post :(
Sooo incredibly sad.
This has just ruined my day seing you sad like this
I want a nice result from this please steve!
Oh no......
:(
:(
Oh Missy no. I hope things improve quickly.
Let us know how things are goig please!
I am keeping positive for you
I am predicting a happy ending
Alex from OZ
live for today and try and make the best of it. Dont live for tomorrow or expect. Live for today.
U dont deserve one single second of unhappiness
U look after yourself and dont worry about anything. U will be together soon enough.
then let him have it for ruining your vacation
This is tragic :( so unfair
Missy please look after yourself
I hope to hear from you soon and that this was just a bad thing you went through
cheers
Jason
How very unfair
I do hope this is a minor setback
:(
Oh Missy please bring us some good news soon. is te vacation over yet??
Try not to stress and just know you will be together again soon.
Have you spoken to Steve yet??? I hope this is just a small bump in the road for you two and that you have a long and happy future together.
Cheer up Missy, you'll be a-ok before you know it
Keep safe and relax and know in your heart that you will be happy someday soon.
Set the wheels in motion, work towards making your deadlines and all will come together
You and steve are in charge of your happiness. and you will both need to work together to make it happen.
It should just be you that works towards this. Steve needs to do his bit too.
A smile for you
:)
This si so upsetting
Try to focus on the good
U scare me when you say that you dont think you can do this... u are not going to end it are you????
Oh Missy I hope you make the right decision
The decision that is right for you I mean.
Ohh Missy I am saddened to read this
Cheer up Missy
Missy, this must be as hard for him as it is for you, you are facing a decision that not only will affect you two but also everyone else in your lives. Talk, talk, and talk some more and try by whatever means to keep your sanity! you can do it!
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